An inevitable part of being involved in club culture is, at some point, you will date a person who loves drugs.
Many folks you'll find at a concert, festival, or dive bar appear as if they partake fairly regularly, and -- unless they are very unlucky genetically -- you can assume they do. But it takes a special kind of person to like really love drugs. This list will help you identify whether the guy or girl you met five drinks deep, inside a darkened, bass-heavy, sweaty space at 3 a.m. is someone who will occasionally become intoxicated using illegal or nonprescribed substances or if he or she is someone who simply adores only the possibility of snorting, rolling, or puffing the night away.
1. They've been drinking for hours and hours and are never drunk.
So, you're probably going to need a drink to warm up to your date. Sober first dates? They're horrible and sweaty in a bad way. You're gonna get a little sloppy and try to smooch this person you barely know, so you have to lube up.
But when it's like way after midnight and your date has been pounding PBRs since 6 and never catches a buzz, it's clear he or she loves cocaine.
2. Their teeth are eternally grinding.
This is always an obvious sign that they are either rolling hard on old ecstasy or new Molly or enjoying a bit of meth or good, old-fashioned cocaine. Nothing unsexier than a jutting jaw. Lose their number.
3. Dilated pupils.
Dilated pupils are so the most obvious sign your date is enjoying some psychedelic fare. Now, the types of trippy drugs like microdots, mescaline, or mushrooms that really get your pupils banging, they've fallen out of favor with the club set, but if you met your date at Bonnaroo, then they are probably watching your face melt right now. If you met them at Ultra, they are feeling their own face melt.
Keep in mind, some people just have big pupils, so don't rely on this one bit of evidence alone.
4. Lots of bathroom trips.
If your jittery-ass date needs to go to the bathroom a billion times throughout the night, they they are likely doing the drugs in the john. It could also be diabetes, so make sure to weasel insulin into the convo before making a judgment call.
5. Takes keys to the bathroom.
The car is in the parking lot.
6. Every conversation revolves around a party.
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A straight lover of the nightlife is fine, but if you then pair every party tale with being able to quote all the lines in Friday? They love drugs.
7. Constantly rubbing themselves.
So glad your date's on a sweet roll. Maybe you can use this to get a free massage.
8. Is genuinely enjoying dubstep.
No one really likes dubstep without drugs.
9. Always wiping crusty-ass mouth.
Your date has cottonmouth. This could be from nerves. Who knows? They might just think you're really hot and wanna do that thang with ya. But if they're constantly, constantly wiping the corners of their maw? They love drugs. And they're on them.
10. Doesn't remember your name or anything about you the next time you talk.
So, this is one of those ones where like you find out later that the person blows (blows? Get it?). But the message is clear. You are not as interesting or memorable as the illicit substances your date so admires ingesting.
Good luck next time.
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