It's only Wednesday, but you're already counting down the hours until the weekend. You've set all the necessary appointments: hair, nails, wax. Yes, you'll be looking fresh as hell with all your girls come Friday night happy hour, but we all know what you've got lined up for later.
Although you met your new hottie two weeks ago, he's texted you for the first time this morning, because he’s a "workaholic" (sounds sexy, right?). And he obviously wants to show you off, since he invited all his guy friends to join for drinks too.
No. He’s actually never busy with work, and his squad will only ever know you as "brunette with the nice rack." This guy is a Fort Lauderdale Fuckboy, and you’re about to be his next conquest. It's not all bad news, though. Fuckboys can be a lot of fun! And I’m personally a big fan of them.
(If you missed the national conversation about fuckboys, Slate, Vanity Fair, and Jezebel have all contributed think pieces about the term, which is emblematic of the decline of committed relationships and the rise of hook-up culture.)
They never make you feel guilty or awkward about failing to call or text, and they don’t slut-shame when you decide to get flirty with someone else. But to avoid getting your heart hurt or ego bruised, it’s important to have the right expectations going in. Not all women have had as much experience as I have in dealing with these new age casanovas — TLC's scrubs of 2016 — so I’ve put together a ten-step guide to helping you spot them.
10. He only invites you out on weekends.
And his phone is basically out of service while the sun's shining. Once you do make plans, he asks you to bring single girlfriends for his bros every time. Because fuckboys are allergic to feelings and one-on-one interaction, your "dates" will be group get-togethers most of the time.
The only drinks he buys you when you’re out are whiskey shots, but at least he doesn’t try to split the Uber at the end of the night. He’s also such a frequent customer at Squiggy’s NY Style Pizza that he "knows the owner" and gets you a free slice as “his treat” whenever you’re both on your way home from getting turnt downtown.
9. He’s a regular at Tap 42 brunch and Taco Tuesday at Rocco’s.
But if you don’t run into him there, you’re bound to spot him and a bunch of other dudes camped under a tent on the beach in front of Rok Bar, Jambox blaring a strange mix of EDM and Top 40 country hits. When you walk up to say hi, he’ll brag about how he made the Spotify playlist himself, as if it’s something to be proud of.
8. When your single girlfriends meet him, they’ll recognize him pretty instantly from Tinder and/or Bumble.
And they’ve all matched with him at some point. His opening message was something horribly generic and cliche like, “Hey cutie ;)” and then once they responded, he fell off the face of the earth. A few of them may have even made out with him on the dance floor at Rhythm & Vine a few months ago when they were really, really buzzed.
7. His unorganized closet is home to a gratuitous number of tank tops.
Especially of the neon and cutoff-sleeves-down-to-torso variety. The top shelf is lined with flat-billed caps and the floor with ankle-high socks that he throws on everyday, regardless of whether he ends up wearing Jordans or slides. This collection, however, is still more aesthetically pleasing than his car. It’s stickered with either “Salt Life” or “Flo Grown,” and passenger-side floor space is overrun with empty Dasani water bottles.
6. He regularly fits the words "aminos" and "macros" into casual conversation.
And swears pre-workout is the best cure for a hangover. Whenever you ask for a glass of water the next morning, he gives it to you in either a red Solo cup or a shaker with a blender ball. You settle for this, though, since the only other beverage container option you have is one of his several Fat Tuesday bottles which still smells vaguely of rum and regret despite hundreds of dishwasher cycles.
5. He’s usually slow to text back.
And when he does, he always manages to sneak in a request for a racy Snap, along with the winky emoji with its tongue sticking out. Even if you don’t Snap him, he’ll send you plenty of flex-selfies in front of the mirror at his YouFit gym. His half-assed attempt to make plans happen through Snapchat messaging, and he'll use phrase like, “chill," “hangout,” or “wanna cuddle?”
4. He's an Instagram whore.
Most of the accounts he follows are dedicated to either gym memes or hot women. Although he doesn't post much himself, he gives out a lot of likes, and comments things like "Check your DMs" on photos of girls doing squats.
3. He only drinks Michelob ULTRA (to watch his carbs).
Or Bud Lite, if sticking to beer. Otherwise, it's vodka sodas with a splash of cran all night. After a night throwing up due to one too many shots, he's more upset about losing his #gains than about the fact that he still can't find his wallet.
2. He leaves read receipts turned on.
He reads all your texts through the notifications dropdown and only opens the ones he feels like responding to. For some reason, he thinks that when he doesn't open the message until the next day, you'll believe him when he says, "Sorry, just seeing this now."
1. He's still saved as "Fuckboy 2" in your contacts.
Though by now, most of your friends know he's your boyfriend. You two even went Facebook Official for a brief stint before a barrage of sketchy texts with his ex reminded you of the cold, hard truth. You might be dating a Fort Lauderdale fuckboy, but hey, he's your fuckboy.
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