Ten Stocking Stuffers for Spoiled Superstars That Have Everything

Every Christmas, we try to buy our favorite pop stars the perfect gift.

And every December 25th, the presents we've laid under the tree and the stuffing we've shoved in stockings are met with obviously-fake enthusiasm, eye rolls or -- more often than you'd expect -- wailing cries of bellicose hatred.

But this year, we've done our research. We've made our own lists, checked them thrice, and we're not going home until every pop star on the front page of TMZ screams, "God bless us! Every one!" like Tiny Tim on bath salts.

10. Superstar: Miley Cyrus

Stocking Stuffer: G-string and/or thong(s)

In 2012, the former Disney sweetheart, and daughter of country music artist Billy Ray Cyrus, rebranded herself wild-and-crazy with a manic potency rivaling Britney's standard-setting, head-shaving meltdown of 2007. But, like, a thousand times more composed and calculated. Do you really believe Hannah Montanna is going off the rails? We think all this ass grabbin' and consorting with pornstars is akin to Diddy changing his name to "Swag." That is to say, contrived as hell and corny as fuck.

9. Superstar: Rick Ross

Stocking Stuffer: Twice his weight in weed

Ricky Rozay smokes his weight in weed like it ain't no thang. So this Christmas, help the Bawse up the ante by filling the big red sock hanging over his fireplace with 600 pounds of marijuana.

8. Superstar: deadmau5

Stocking Stuffer: Tranquilizer gun (to be used on him)

For real though, Santa needs to snap into stealth mode, slink down Joel Zimmerman's chimney, and sedate the fuck out of this nerd pronto. When he wasn't freaking out about - of all people - Madonna, he was bitching and moaning about, uh, the genre of music he helped make an international sensation, and helped him land a Reality TV pin-up for a girlfriend who can look past the LARPing gear and obsessive Facebook photo albums.

7. Superstar: Justin Bieber

Stocking Stuffer: Domesticated rodent to love/hold/squeeze

Biebz lost major points with the Occupy Tofu contingent when he threw his pet hamster into the air like Marino ripping a Hail Mary. Maybe he can regain the favor of North America's hamster hippie demographic with a new pet rodent that he doesn't haphazardly thrust into the suffocating clutches of certain doom.

6. Superstar: PSY

Stocking Stuffer: Tap shoes

If the shoe fits, maybe it'll extend the relevancy of your meme. And then everyone's mind can get blown, deflated, and reblown when MC Hammer runs out to bust a move that exists somewhere in the anti-matter astral plane between the core essence of "Gangnam Style" and "Hammer Time." And he is also wearing tap shoes.


5. Superstar: Gotye

Stocking Stuffer: Elliott Smith's Figure 8 album

Yo, for real, did Gotye take out Elliott Smith so he could rip him off without fear of legal reprisal? God dammit someone get Morgan Freeman on this shit.

4. Superstar: Ke$ha

Stocking Stuffer: Nina Simone Sings the Blues

Because Ke$ha has probably never heard Nina Simone.

3. Superstar: Steven Tyler

Stocking Stuffer: G-string and/or thong(s)

Every time Steve Tyler goes to the beach, the paparazzi throws an absolute shit fit. And rightfully so! Have you seen that guys toes?! And how can he possibly stoop to being the dude wearing clothes at a nude beach. Just imagine the hash tags if the Aerosmith singer rolled up to the shore in an impossibly slutty bikini!

2. Superstar: Skrillex

Stocking Stuffer: A gift certificate to Ye Olde Barber Shoppe

Do it for your mother, Skrillex. You can't huff whip-its in the dubstep mosh pit forever.

1. Superstar: Chris Brown

Stocking Stuffer: Dangerously propulsive Jack-in-the-box boxing glove

All we want for Christmas is for Chris Brown to be deported to the bottom of the ocean.

KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Matt Preira