A friend likes to call the genre that Fiona Apple falls under "crying vagina" music. Though an accurate description, have to say, there weren't an overwhelming number crying vaginas last night at the Fillmore on Miami Beach. Maybe because it's Miami Beach and everyone's tanned and worked out. Who knows?! Ms. Apple, in keeping with the times, played miserable, tortured, lyrically intense music in the '90s when the economy was great, and plays upbeat jams with odd tempo shifts now that we're financially in the shitter. So, some vaginas were crying, others were dancing dorkily. Many were being asked not to film during the show.
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A full review would likely include some facts like, Fiona looked terribly thin, her voice is magnificent and impressively stayed strong throughout the whole performance, she didn't play "Criminal." Instead of giving you the actual details, we'll describe the show through ten things we saw at the crying vagina, uh, we mean, Fiona Apple show last night.
(Hint of what's to come: Change "Fiona Apple" to "Lilith Fair" and the content remains the same.)
10. A guy in a Pearl Jam Tee
It's not the '90s, but some people still think it is.
9. A guy in a Radiohead Tee
8. Fiona Apple's muscles
Hello, pilates! This chick is jacked up. Fiona is still a fox, but a trip with us to Shake Shack at the end of the night wouldn't have hurt her none. You think after smoking all that hash she'd wanna munch on something.
7. Lotsa, lotsa ladies
Two words: Lilith Fair.
6. A man whose hand was glued to his chick's ass in plain sight
A guy that got kicked out of trying to sneak into the good seats was petting the expanse of his lady's derriere. It was not a tap, not one horny circular rub, it was an extended massage for all to watch.
5. Fiona Apple writhing on the floor
Fiona spent a lot of time on her hands and knees which led us to ask, "What's down there? Is there... Something there?" She's an intense performer, which drew the packed house, but also led to some questionable poses (see below).
4. Awkward dance moves
If we'd had a camera, we might've gotten a few good gifs outta that show. Bad dancing in Miami is a crime.
3. The back of the giant guy's head who stood directly between us and Fiona
To said guy: I hate you.
2. Women yelling: "I love you, Fiona!"
That's pretty self-explanatory.
1. Floral dresses and half shaved heads
Fashion, fashion, fashion! It was like there was an army of Skrillex-heads in there dressed like Courtney Love at the height of Hole.
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