It still blows my mind when I hear the word "shit" on basic cable. It wasn't that long ago that the television censors were Puritanical. There was no cursing, no nudity (partial or otherwise), and there was no recreational drug use. If marijuana ever showed up, it was in an extra special episode that warned of the dangers of the devil's weed and ended with a public service announcement from Nancy Reagan or Kirk Cameron about how you should just say no.
But the inhabitants in many show's writer rooms had other thoughts on the subject. Under wisp in smoked out rooms, subversive writers created characters who were potheads that we never actually saw partaking in said substance. Here are the ten most obvious stoners in television history who never smoked pot on camera.
10. Cliff Huxtable on The Cosby Show
You'd think a man raising five kids would have the patience to be as chill and silly as Dr. Huxtable without a little self-medication? He had his office in his home where, when he wasn't seeing patients, he could take a toke and find some inspiration on what dance routine he would choreograph for his family this week.
9. Bo and Luke Duke on The Dukes of Hazzard
Boss Hogg wasn't chasing after the Duke cousins for the hell of it. Their Uncle Jesse promised the government they would stop transporting moonshine, but he didn't say nothing about weed. There's a reason these boys were always smiling. One of their customers was probably Rosco.
8. Columbo on Columbo
The disheveled detective's mind is cluttered with so many spectacular thoughts like how "Dark Side of the Moon" is better than "Wish You Were Here" that he forgets what to ask his suspect until he's about to leave and then he spouts out his catchphrase, "One more thing," and then nails them in a lie. Then he goes downstairs to smoke some celebratory doobie.
7. Cookie Monster on Sesame Street
Mmm cookies! Me just take giant hit from Grover gravity bong. Me want cookies!
6. Edith Bunker on All In The Family
You think you could stay married to a loud-mouthed bigot without having a good buzz on? It wasn't hard for this housewife to find her supply, she'd clean up Meathead's room and take a share of his stash.
5. The Monkees on The Monkees
The four members of this fictional band were meant to be a take-off of the Beatles. Of course, when the show aired in 1966, the Beatles were already in their stoner phase having released the classic Revolver album. Once the Monkees starred in a feature film titled Head you could see how weed and psychedelics were a massive part of their lifestyle.
4. Alf on Alf
How do you think Gordon from the planet Melmac landed on Earth in the first place? He was high off that intergalactic weed and was in no hurry to leave our planet with its many varieties of cats and strains of marijuana.
3. Rose on The Golden Girls
There's a reason Rose moved down to Miami in the 1980s with the rest of The Golden Girls, she heard there was some good bud down here. You don't get to be as flighty as this character was just by being from St. Olaf, MN (a region which grew a killer crop of Northern Lights).
2. Kramer on Seinfeld
What do you thing inspired all of Jerry's neighbor's whacked out ideas? We never saw what Kramer was doing in his apartment with Neuman. He'd only leave to satisfy his munchies in Jerry's apartment or at the diner.
1. Shaggy on Scooby Doo, Where Are You!
You've got to be high to talk to your dog, really high to hear him talking back, but it's another level when you're fighting the canine over dog food. This animated stoner never changed his clothes and hung out in the back of a van with the lettering "The Mystery Machine" painted on its side, it's a wonder the cops never nabbed them for possession.
Keep New Times Broward-Palm Beach Free... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering South Florida with no paywalls.