[Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band]
BD: Holy Hell, the Boss!
ET: The Boss is still a babe.
BD: He's still hot, I don't even care.
ET: I think we can all agree, Bruce can do no wrong.
ET: It's like laser Springsteen all up in there.
BD: Like when he slid across the Super Bowl stage and gave the camera a cock shot.
ET: I think they could add one more violinist. Maybe just one more.
ET: More violin goddammit!
ET: Paul looks old as God.
BD: Oh Katy Perry, with the matching hair and dress.
BD: Oh Gaga, what is on your face?
BD: LL Cool J?! Shut the hell up.
ET: Fergie's dress is ugly, but it works.
ET: LL licked his lips the second he got onstage.
[Prayer for Whitney Houston]
BD: I'm not gonna lie, this is awkward. Some people are just staring around.
ET: Heavenly (licks lips) Father...
ET: R.I.P. Whitney.
ET: I have to say, Last Holiday is one of my favorite movies to watch on TV.
BD: I watched Waiting to Exhale today.
ET: A fitting tribute to the Houston.
BD: I cannot deal with that Kangol hat. It's velvet.
BD: Oh God, Adele!
ET: I wanna see Adele in that Kangol hat.
BD: I'm not excited.
ET: OG Paul McCartney? Holy Lord. LL, seriously, show some respect.
BD: I really cannot deal with LL. These ladies do not love you.
ET: Hey, I'd be his around the way girl.
ET: That was dirty. sorry.
BD: Is he going to perform the Twilight song?
BD: Apparently not. Bummer.
ET: I bet that guy is Team Jacob.
BD: But he has hair like Edward.
BD: Get off your rich asses? Did I hear him right?
ET: I hope so. We like that over here. The 99%.
ET: Fancy split! Watch out Bruno, you may just have found your newest oldest fan.
BD: Oh my goodness, what is happening on stage right now?
ET: Take that back. I hate that megaphone.
BD: Ok so seriously, Chris Brown performing?
ET: I am psyched about Chris Brown and Kelly Clarkson.
ET: I saw that Chris and Rhianna may again be an item.
[Alicia Keys & Bonnie Raitt]
ET: Wow, Alicia's look is fabulous. And Bonnie looks wonderful. Big ups.
BD: Oooohh, good choice.
ET: These bitches are making the night.
BD: Who needs Adele when you have these two?
ET: Agreed! And by bitches, I mean rad ladies.
BD: That was magical.
BD: Is that a scepter in Lady Gaga's hand?
ET: She's like an evil Gandolf.
BD: Ok Chris Brown you better woo me.
ET: Chris "Mama Said Knock You Out" Brown
BD: OK. What are those, flying squirrel dancers?
ET: I was thinking the same thing. That stage is very SoBe. Chris Brown should be the resident musician at Mansion.
BD: This is not good.
ET: I like it. I have questionable taste though.
ET: My mom is dancing.
BD: if you're trying to make a comeback after beating up Rhi Rhi, you better be coming back with some real good shit. This is just weird.
ET: Now my dad is dancing.
BD: OMG. What is he doing now? He's getting down low.
BD: What does that B stand for on his jacket? BEATER.
ET: Chris Brown's performance reminds me of the nineties.
BD: I'm still processing it. I feel like Scott Storch would have liked it.
BD: Those hoop earrings are not working with that dress on Fergie.
ET: Live, these two are both really good. Fergie's dress is very J. Crew two seasons ago.
BD: Dammit. That would have been a good speech.
ET: The Jay Z and Kanye, too good for the Grammys.
ET: I love Reba. I love her show. I love her funny face. I love her manly voice.
BD: Wait, when did Kelly Clarkson go country?
ET: Kelly Clarkson! That woman can sing.
ET: Those waving arms are distracting.
ET: Stop waving your arms.
ET: Du-et Kelly. (Bad joke.)
BD: The dress sorta reminds me of a '90s prom or homecoming dress.
ET: I swear I saw her buy it at Forever 21.
BD: Are they dating or something?
ET: Kelly gives me the good shivers! I love her.
ET: Wait, I thought that was her dad.
BD: She looks like she has a weird chest tan.
BD: Girl this is the Grammys, get that shit sprayed like the Jersey Shore.
ET: I wish Taylor Swift would get a Jersey Shore spray tan.
BD: I love TaySwif, not gonna lie.
BD: I have a difficult time not singing outloud to "You Belong With Me" in the office when it comes on my iTunes.
ET: Sing it out, girl. I enjoy that song in an unhealthy way.
ET: Target commercial is too trippy.
BD: All I see is J-Lo.
BD: That Pepsi commercial was a little wild. Elton and Flava Flav.
BD: Could he please say indie cred again?
ET: Bring us some "Fuck Her Gently."
BD: Oh, that chin strap beard.
BD: Dave Grohl, why, why, why?
ET: Jack Black=all indie cred, all the time
BD: Dave Grohl is so indie in his Slayer shirt.
BD: That drummer is Silverchair hot.
ET: I love how the Foo Fighters' sound has evolved so much since their first album in 1995.
BD: Sweet leather choker
BD: No, but really, they haven't left the '90s.
ET: They got stuck on the outside stage. #embarrassing
ET: Honestly though. Dave Grohl is great. I like to just watch him and think of Nevermind.
BD: One hour in and we've only seen two awards given, but 9 performances?
ET: Ew: Rhianna and Coldplay
BD: Yeah, I don't understand that duet.
ET: I'm excited to see the Beach Boys. Brian Wilson bringing those psychedelic vibrations, hopefully.
BD: Hopefully he doesn't freak out on stage or something. He's totally not all there.
ET: This commercial is making me want to watch the Heat. #effective #Pitbull
[Coldplay & Rihanna]
BD: Oh that blond hair. Is she wearing a sleeveless denim vest?
ET: I'm pressing mute until this is done.
BD: Oh my God. I might do the same.
BD: This is like J-Lo's "Waiting for Tonight."
ET: See, this is why she and CB dated.
ET: "Waiting for Tonight" is insulted by your last comment.
BD: I'm insulted by this performance.
BD: Wait where is Coldplay? Did they back out at the last minute because they saw how bad this is?
ET: Reminds me of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1hzXKcQrg0
ET: Wait, what? I just fell asleep. Did I miss something?
BD: Wow. This is painful. Mute. Mute. Mute.
ET: Bathroom break.
BD: Did they let a child go crazy with black light paint?
BD: I haven't been impressed yet.
ET: Chris Martin just wandered back in time to the tweeker room at the Tunnel.
ET: Thank God that's over.
BD: I thought people are supposed to get awards at this thing?
ET: My dad just said, "Has anyone won anything?"
ET: Is that Willie singing Coldplay? What's happening with those swine?!
BD: This is bizarre.
ET: Haha. Chipotle?!
BD: Now I want Chipotle.
ET: Sofia Vergara is a goddess. She offers hope to all women over the age of 30.
ET: Wait, why do I care about this Super Bowl thing?
BD: She has nothing on Alexis Krauss' bangs. That girl's bangs did not move last night.
ET: I'm in a Pats household at the moment. There's booing.
BD: Take off the sunglasses so you can read the teleprompter.
ET: Coldplay is rock?
ET: The Decemberists, rock?
BD: Mumford & Sons rock?
ET: And the winner is... Radiohead!
BD: Long live the '90s!
ET: Typed too soon.
ET: And they got the outside stage.
BD: Oh, you're so indie, making the record with a tape machine
ET: Dave Grohl, super DIY.
ET: Please get the hair out of your face.
BD: Chill out Beastie Boys.
BD: As they kick them off with electronic music.
[The Beach Boys Tribute & Reunion]
BD: Wait, Maroon 5? Where are the Beach Boys?
ET: That was incredible. Everyone was like, huh?
ET: Where are the Beach Boys, I asked. My parents just said, "They'll be wheeling them out soon."
ET: This is the most romantic song ever. Makes me weepy ("Surfer Girl").
BD: He makes me romantic. I'll be Adam Levine's surfer girl.
ET: He's not entirely butchering it, but my ears are a little offended.
BD: Ok, but still. Where are the Beach Boys?
ET: Who is this dweeb? This is another fantastically romantic song.
BD: Foster the Who? Why are they even up on stage?
ET: Betsey, that's your boyfriend.
ET: Is that Chuck Klosterman on the drums? (Sorry, Chuck.)
ET: Standing O? Really?
BD: Standing for the fake Beach Boys?
BD: Wow this is trippy.
ET: Say good vibrations one more time Ryan. I dare you.
BD: Oh he is out to lunch.
ET: I knew it'd be a psychedelic freakout.
BD: I like the embroidered hat. His mouth is barely moving.
ET: They sound better than I would have expected.
BD: Oh, get those dorks off the stage. The extras, not the Beach Boys.
ET: It's impossible to not sing along.
BD: I wish I was on acid for that.
ET: My dad just said, "I wonder why Stevie's not there."
BD: Ah, yes!
ET: Love you, Stevie!
BD: Who cares about the next performer? Get on stage, Stevie!
ET: Well, it's Paul McCartney.
BD: Yeah, Yeah.
ET: He has the hair of a toddler.
BD: This is really putting me to sleep. I want to be back on my acid trip with the BB.
BD: Wow, that was painful.
ET: Aw, Paul is cute.
BD: There are some pretty random presenters this year.
ET: Gil Scott-Heron. Yes, please! Wait, this is the revolution? This that's being televised?
BD: Please R. Kelly get on stage and win.
ET: And the Grammy goes to... R. Kelly!
BD: Dammit. (On Chris Brown's win)
ET: Hot damn. Look at him now.
BD: Where is his shirt?
ET: Team Breezy.
BD: Oh god. The Civil Wars. My favorite band.
ET: The Civil Wars, you're familiar with them.
BD: This is their only good and fun song.
ET: Well, then glad they picked this one to perform.
BD: Yes. Tay Tay!
BD: I just turned up the volume.
ET: "Our friend" What braggarts.
BD: OK, but that dress.
BD: I feel like she just stepped out of the Disney's Country Bear Jamboree.
BD: This is like Big Love the musical.
ET: From Taylor Swift's new album Deliverance.
BD: Shouldn't she have sung this last year to Kanye West?
ET: That was excellent.
BD: OK, Taylor, don't look so surprised at that standing ovation. Bitch, you are at the Grammys.
BD: I cannot wait for Nicki Minaj to bring it.
BD: Oh Neil Patrick. Love you forever.
ET: These songs need to die.
BD: Ugh, how are any of these song of the year?
ET: This is the best they've got?
BD: Oh shocker, Adele.
ET: Again, maybe they could introduce a translator.
BD: Why are there no musicians presenting awards?
ET: Kate Beckinsale almost stumbled.
BD: This better be magical.
BD: Why is it so dark on stage? So many lasers.
ET: Lady Gaga lite.
BD: Wait? Was that on purpose?
ET: Lady Gaga boring.
BD: Oh no, this reminds me of Britney Spears' bad dancing. Like when she was too high on pills to move on stage.
ET: She's still like that, sadly.
ET: That guy has a dead pigeon on his necklace.
BD: This is really disappointing.
ET: Well she is in the middle of a divorce.
BD: Oh, is this a shout out to Russel Brand?
BD: He's probably not watching. He's too busy Forgetting Katy Perry.
ET: Why is this presentation (Best Country) format different from the others?
ET: And the Grammy goes to... Taylor Swift!
BD: Who is Lady Antebellum?
ET: I am not doing well tonight.
ET: They're like pop country, lite FM.
BD: That dress is lovely.
ET: I didn't know Khloe Kardashian was in Lady Antebellum!
BD: I'm not waiting for that performance from Adele. Oh good, maybe Sir Paul will spice things up.
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BD: Again, why are there no musicians doing the presenting?
ET: Gwyneth Paltrow sings "Cruisin'."
BD: How many people do you think are crying right now while watching this?
ET: All of America's emotional panties just dropped.
BD: Those are really great fake lashes.
BD: I wish she would have done another song just to fuck with everyone.
BD: Has anyone not gotten a standing ovation yet?
ET: Aw. I'm not a fan, but she did well.
BD: Why aren't there tears running down her face?
ET: Swifty did, right?
ET: So overrated.
ET: I'm waiting for the Beatles songs and then I'm going to sleep.
BD: So, there is maybe half a show left and not even five awards have been given out yet.
ET: I mean, everyone loves Adele so much, but this little girl in the Target commercials seems to have her schtick down pat.
BD: I'm wishing Target was 24 hours right now.
ET: No awards for you, says the Award Nazi.
ET: Why so you can buy an Adele CD? Right now?
BD: Where is Beyonce? That's what I want to know.
ET: Tending to her newborn.
BD: Blue Ivy is one cute ass baby. I cannot even get over it. Or is it Ivy Blue?
ET: We may never know.
[Glen Campbell Tribute]
BD: Well, that is an upgrade from her country bumpkin dress.
ET: Wow. Now that is a crazy Dancing with the Stars frock. I like it.
ET: I also would like it to be known that I'm enjoying this Glen Campbell tribute.
BD: Yeah, I can't say anything terrible about this. It's more enjoyable than Adele and Katy Perry. That's for sure.
ET: There is one instance of Bieber hair onstage, but that's OK.
ET: One is acceptable.
BD: It's very difficult to not sing along. I'm moments away from yelling "Southern Skies."
ET: Let it all out.
BD: I just got a little choked up.
BD: I'm bringing back the bolo tie.
BD: Let it be known I just said "Rhinestone Cowboy" outloud.
BD: Paul [McCartney] is fist-pumping. That is amazing.
ET: Paul McCartney pullin' a Pauly D.
ET: He's got that nudie suit coat and bolo tie. Super slick. Yo quiero.
BD: quite possibly the best performance of the Grammys so far. Sorry, Brian Wilson.
ET: Antonio Carlos Jobim changed my life by creating music that lulled me to sleep for years.
ET: Please, no David Guetta.
BD: David Guetta with the Foo Fighters. How does that happen after Dave Grohl just went on a rampage about making garage tapes?
ET: Yet another fantastic Pepsi commercial. "I'm tweeting."
BD: Those Heels, Elton!
ET: Wait, same commercial, longer, more intricate. Yeah, boy! Flavor Flav has a sundial around his neck. Ah-mazing.
[Tony Bennett & Carrie Underwood]
BD: Not the most attractive dress, Carrie.
BD: He earned a Grammy tonight? Who knew they were giving out awards? I thought this was just a concert.
ET: This is the classiest act of the evening.
BD: I am sorta wishing it was Alicia Keys next to him.
ET: They really sound terrible together.
BD: That dress is just too much.
ET: Rhianna's exposed chest is too much.
BD: Wait, so they perform a mini-duet before doing awards?
ET: Guaranteed, no like all of these "artists."
BD: Skrillex is at the Grammys?
BD: Wow, should have worn a hat.
BD: This is awkward.
ET: Bon Iver isn't new.
BD: Should have visited a tailor.
BD: Sweet hookup? Oh my goodness.
ET: Nerd alert.
ET: Paul overshadowed by Whitney.
BD: Everyone overshadowed by Whitney.
ET: Get the tissues out.
BD: Whitney basically stole the Grammys.
ET: My favorite time, the rundown of deaths.
BD: This isn't depressing at all.
ET: Please don't play Roy Orbison. I will cry.
BD: This is a lot of death.
ET: They didn't put up Etta James.
BD: Oh damn, is this Jennifer Hudson?
BD: OMG. Goosebumps.
BD: I can't even type during this. It feels wrong.
ET: I recorded this song on VHS and sang it loudly in front of the television very often in the early '90s. My brother made fun of me.
BD: They should have done a medley. But I guess it was last minute.
ET: I bet someone like Mariah Carey or Christina Aguilera could have done a better job.
ET: I would have liked to have seen Dolly Parton sing it.
BD: That would have been something.
[Chris Brown, David Guetta, Deadmau5, & the Foo Fighters]
ET: ?uestlove is so rad.
ET: Rave it out, bro.
BD: Holy glowshit.
ET: Glow me up, bro.
BD: I hope the Jersey Shore cast jumps out.
BD: What the hell is on his feet?
ET: Lil Wayne can possibly save this monstrosity.
ET: Or not.
BD: This is offensive.
ET: The 2012 Grammys are bringing me back to Miami Beach circa 1998.
ET: I think David Guetta was there.
ET: That sounds like "Detachable Penis."
BD: Where is Tiesto?
ET: Why are the Foo Fighters performing twice? Who put this lineup together? Dave Grohl's dad?
BD: Damn, couldn't have thrown Lady Gaga a Grammy performance bone?
ET: Here we go.
BD: This is getting very industrial.
BD: Bring out Trent Reznor!
ET: Deadmau5 was at Mansion a few weeks back an tickets were like $150, or so I heard.
BD: We are watching a rave.
ET: Such spermy lights.
BD: Dubstep, Bro.
ET: Dubstep needs to find a way to incorporate the brown note.
BD: Yes, Nicki Minaj, please give us something to talk about.
ET: Then maybe we'd have to hear less of it
BD: Wait, so still more performances, any more awards to give out?
ET: There's the Best Chris Brown Performance of the Night.
ET: Drake is my Valentine's Day date.
BD: She's on the Lady Gaga tip.
ET: This is exactly why I don't like Nicky Minaj.
BD: Damn, she's really tearing one out from Gaga's playbook.
ET: These absurd narratives.
BD: On the Femme Fatale tour, she did something similar.
ET: This is garbage.
BD: This is unwatchable.
ET: Please quote me.
ET: She has so much talent, but this is shameful.
BD: This is a joke. They were right, it certainly has left us speechless
ET: Like a prayer, I ask that this end soon.
ET: You know when they tell you to write what you know. Nicky needs to listen to that advice.
BD: Gaga is pissed.
ET: Gaga's probs thrilled. Now everyone'll make fun of NIcky for being a biter instead of her biting off of Madonna.
BD: I wish they would show the horrified looks on the audiences faces.
ET: She's such a drama school nerd.
BD: Boom. No standing ovation.
ET: I don't care what you say, ladies love Cool J.
ET: Enough Adele worship.
BD: "No Surprise" thank you for saying it for the rest of us.
ET: So rude! I can't believe he said that. This is ridiculous.
BD: I wish LL would just rap.
BD: Whoop, Diana!
ET: Her hair is a fairyland.
ET: Gaga is getting the cold shoulder.
BD: Yeah, why did she even show up?
BD: Ugh, Adele.
ET: And the award goes to (yawn) Adele.
BD: So snoozeworthy.
BD: Oh quit it with the fake tears. You knew you were going to win.
ET: I think the guy behind her just rolled his eyes
BD: OK, that was funny. Snot all over that Grammy.
ET: I get dumped, and I get diarrhea. She gets dumped, she gets a dozen Grammys.
BD: Right? What is this life we are living?
ET: Well, at least she said snot onstage. She's now cool in my book.
BD: First an OG, now a homie!
ET: My boy Paul McCartney!
ET: They're probably really close friends.
BD: C'mon LL you know you want to jump out and rap.
ET: Where is Stella during all of this?
BD: So, did anyone else get on stage to accept an award tonight that wasn't Adele?
ET: Bon Iver. That's it.
BD: Everyone is real mad they got out of bed today.
ET: I bet he plays "Hey Jude" next.
ET: Seriously, wanna bet?
BD: Oh those suspenders. I love you, Paul!
ET: Imagine what it must be like to be Paul McCartney.
BD: Pretty lovely. I wouldn't be cranky ever.
BD: Whoa, Dave Grohl snuck on stage?
BD: Wait, that was it? And they are seriously ending it with an Adele song in the credits? It wasn't enough that she won the entire show?
ET: I finally can go back to never listening to Adele again.