Film & TV

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Recasted with Pop Stars

At the 2002 Academy Awards, Paul McCartney told the Hobbit director Peter Jackson that the Beatles once wanted to make their own version of The Lord of the Rings. Paul would have portrayed the hobbit Frodo, Ringo would have been his faithful companion Sam, George would have played the wise wizard Gandalf, and John would have been the tragic, evil Gollum.

The Beatles planned to ask Stanley Kubrick or Lawrence of Arabia's David Lean to direct it. Unfortunately, writer J.R.R. Tolkien was not a fan of the counterculture, and turned them down.

But as the second part of the new Hobbit trilogy of movies came out last Friday -- The Desolation of Smaug -- we can't help but think the Fab Four were on to something. Middle Earth could use a little song and dance amongst its dungeons and dragons. Here's how we'd have cast The Hobbit with pop stars. Although if Mr. Tolkien shrugged off the Beatles as riffraff, we shudder to think what he would've said about this crew.

Justin Bieber as Bilbo Baggins

To play the star hobbit of the show, it would be wise to pick someone who is already of diminutive size. After seeing this version of The Hobbit, you will Beliebe that one little man can change the world.

Rick Rubin as Gandalf

The record producer to the stars certainly has the beard to play the benevolent wizard. He also has a reputation for bringing out the best music in fallen stars like Johnny Cash and ZZ Top, so maybe he can help us Beliebe in the soundtrack.

Pitbull as Thorin Oakenshield

We'll put a local as this proud leader of dwarves. He slowly gains respect for the main hobbit as Bilbo leads Pitbull and his posse to the riches that rightfully belong to him (that being an increase in music royalties).

Kanye West as Gollum

With Kanye's recent displays of eccentricity, one might assume he has long been publicly auditioning for the part of The Hobbit of the creature who went mad from spending years with too much bling. Yeezus already sounds like a name from Middle Earth. We also believe we heard him refer to his wife as "my precious" on her reality show.

Selena Gomez as Smaug the Dragon

The dangerous, virginal antagonist who refuses to allow The Hobbit to get what he really wants, that precious booty.

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David Rolland is a freelance writer for New Times Broward-Palm Beach and Miami New Times. His novel, The End of the Century, published by Jitney Books, is available at many fine booksellers.
Contact: David Rolland