The Incredible 2011 Gathering of the Juggalos Informercial

If you have not already familiarized yourself with the splendor of Insane Clown Posse's yearly live extravaganza, the Gathering of the Juggalos, do so immediately by visiting its official site. There, you can now experience 27 minutes and two seconds of the treasure that is the 2011 Gathering of the Juggalos informercial. This year, the 12th running of the fest takes place August 11-14 in Cave-In-Rock, Illinois.

We're first met with a parody of the classic scrolling Star Wars text. Naturally, this was altered significantly. As everyone knows, the Juggalo is a creature born of individualism, so it's not surprising to see the the slow scroll abound with alternating capitalization, grammatical errors, and of course, profanities.

The scene shifts to our setting, the bridge of a spaceship, which is reminiscent of Zordon's stronghold, as seen in this early episode of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. It is here that we meet our band of weary travelers:

Mike E. Clark as "Master Claarrg"
Sugar Slam as "Sugar Blaaam"
DJ Clay as "3J Clay"
and Vanilla Ice as "Vanilla Zerg" (Mr. Ice's choice of name is an obvious reference to StarCraft. Excellent work, sir.)

Here begins a live transmission from Master Claarrg himself. Our cast makes their plight known: they seek the ultimate music festival and are none-too-pleased with the current state of affairs in American pop music. In a grueling, melodramatic speech, Sugar Blaaam panders to the angsty, early-teen demographic in a speech not unlike that of  vacuum cleaner salesman.

With each closeup of Sugar Blaaam, this heart fluttered. There she was, in full cosmic makeup, pigtails suitable for any rap-metal mall queen, and an over-rehearsed, slang-laden manner of speaking, wide-eyed and yelling directly into the camera.

Her stare is irresistible, and my previous notions of what is attractive in a woman are severely shaken. I think I love you, Sugar Blaaam.

Moving right along, we get into the real meat and potatoes and this video. As expected, the full roster of Psychopathic Records luminaires are included in the lineup: ICP, Twiztid, Blaze, DJ Clay, Dark Lotus, etc. As for the rest of the main-stage performers, there are a bunch in here that're actually good. This includes:

Mystikal (who my Juggalette crush referred to as "a real-ass Juggalo homie")
MC Hammer
Tech N9ne
George Clinton & Parliament Funkadelic (wherein I was advised to "Get ready, motherfunker")

and the top two names:
Ice Cube
Busta Rhymes

Much like countless others, I find myself badly wanting to attend, especially after a subsequent montage's emotional pullings with promises of "camradery," "family luv," and magic. There are tales of strangers becoming brothers and sisters to me, and the ease of lustful throes. Plus, anyone who does not attend is advised to sit at home on their dumb bitch ass. Personally, I will be taking active steps to make it there. Could this be the greatest gathering since Magic: The Gathering? There will be more to follow as the date approaches.


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Ryan Burk