We've all been there. You're standing in the crowd, just trying to enjoy a show. Then you get a tap on the shoulder, and suddenly, you're a drug dealer! You've been thrust into an illegal interaction by some creep with a hankering for Molly, Tina, or Mary Jane, depending on the performing act.
It happens a lot, and it's about as annoying as that girl in front of you who dances like a chicken and won't put down her phone. If that scenario sounds at all familiar, chances are you've had to deal with at least one of the following pain-in-the-ass concertgoers who were jonesing for some druging. Read on.
The David Blaine
He values secrecy over everything, and he's spent years perfecting the art of not getting noticed. He's got all the sleight of hand moves down: The $20-bill-handshake, the fist-bump-knuckle-transfer, the ass-slap-crack-grab, the under-the-tongue-make-out-pill-swap.
Pretty soon he's just going to make two pills materialize out of your asshole, and twenty minutes later you'll find $40 in your left pocket.
How did he do that?
The Pawn Star
$30? Best he can do is $12 and a half-eaten churro he picked out of the trashcan in Rhianna's dressing room. This guy will haggle until the show is over, and he seems to oddly enjoy it.
But more often than not, his greed is his downfall, and now the only way he'll catch a buzz is if he can get close enough to the stage to get a contact-high from Snoop Dogg (Snoop Lion? Snoop Abdul-Jabbar? Can't keep up with these names).
The Kim Kardashian
She doesn't contribute anything, but somehow you'll find her in every weed circle at the concert. You can spot her on the outskirts, pushing out her chest like an aggressive gorilla, using her nipples like crowbars to try and pry her way closer to free drugs.
She's a humdrum taker, but her presence will be tolerated -- even encouraged -- because her shorts are exposing the bottom third of a very fleshy and glittery butt.
The Navy Seal
The second you make eye contact with this sketchy marine, his hands go into a frenzy. This guy is all about non-verbal communication.
He's tapping his nose, winking, wiping his forehead, tugging his earlobe. I can't tell if this guy just asked for cocaine or told the blue team to take the shot.
The Walter White
He's dressed like a chemistry teacher: khaki slacks, a tucked in button down, practical sneakers. And when he taps you on the shoulder you think he's going to ask if you've seen his daughter.
But this man wants drugs. And he's going to use the most outdated jargon possible to get it.
"Hey, homey. Think I could snag a few doobs from ya' while I drop some dough on your noggin."
What? Did this old guy just try to buy drugs or threaten to sit on your face?
The Michael Jordan
"I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
Michael Jordan said that, and this guy takes that advice to heart. He will go up to everyone and ask for the hookup: you, your friends, roadies, security guards. I even think I saw him try to give ten bucks to a slow squirrel.
Keep New Times Broward-Palm Beach Free... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering South Florida with no paywalls.