10. #YOLO (You Only Live Once, apparently)
WTF is this unsustainable bullshit? Didn't we just re-elect Barack Obama? And how is Drake so certain that we don't live multiple lives through cosmically repetitious cycles of reincarnation?
9. Partying on Instagram
2012 saw celebrities getting fucked-up on the internet like never before. While a lot of musicians have been posting digitally "vintage" photos of themselves doing knife-hits and drowning in hooch, Chris Brown proved to be the biggest idiot (for a change) by conducting an entire e-polaroid marijuana photo shoot.
8. EDM Became The New Rock 'n' Roll
Hey, if the New York Times has caught on (a publication that rediscovers "hipsters" at least once a month), the present EDM explosion must be an actually significantly relevant crystallized wave/moment/-core in music history. Steve Aoki is the G.G. Allin of Ultra Music Festival.
7. "Call Me Maybe" Parodies
We are obsessed with this song as much as any post-nihilist pop-culture-detritus-huffing blog gimp would be. But -- good fucking god -- we didn't need to hear it sung by every last jerk-off with a YouTube account. Fuck you, Jimmy Fallon!
6. The Return of Boy Bands
Did Lou Pearlman get out of jail or something?
5. Annoying Couples
Jesus goddamn Christ, if it wasn't Justin and Selena flip-flopping in public, it was Chris Brown and Rihanna bumming everybody out by pretending like the former did not punch the latter in the face. Fuck you, Chris Brown! P.S. Does anyone believe Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are really dating? That shit is second-level "Reality TV" dawg. Drink the Kool-Aid if you must. But don't believe the hype.
4. Music Cruises
We give this very-2000s phenomenon a big 'ol thumbs-down sad face for being corny and prohibitively priced. Maybe it's our damn fault for downloading so much music for free.
3. Sea Punk
In a few decades, and after some heavy declassification, the secret FBI-funded scientists who cooked up Seapunk will finally reveal their findings on North American youth subculture as infected by the Internet.
Welcome to the fucking future of live music ladies and gentleman. Within the decade, flesh-and-blood entertainment is going to be sweepingly replaced by -- yes -- holograms. So, assuming everyone's big predictions for 2012 being the end of it all are a flop, you'll be able to see the Rolling Stones long after Mick Jagger's energizer Batteries have run out and the planet floods like in Waterworld because everybody was too busy Tweeting "#YOLO" to stop global warming ("climate change" is for pussies).
1. Chris Brown
This is, like, the third time Breezy has appeared on this list! The reason is (drum roll) because he sucks. Between radio airplay, televised performances and a constant presence on the tabloids, Chris Brown was completely inescapable. Ironic, considering we have him filed in the "avoid at all costs" section of our Swiss-cheese brain.
Up yours, 2012.