It is with a heavy heart and a vastly underrepresented listing of aural horrors that we come to an end with this list. While our peers over at theLA Weekly
had themselves an easy mark crowning theDave Matthews Band
as the kingand
queen of musical banality, we find that we do not have it so easy on our end.
But worry not dear reader(s), we've got a little offensive curveball coming your way, and you are as always, encouraged to vent and/or add in the comments section below.
5. Papa Roach
Give us a fucking break! Seriously? Are you going to be this bad and call yourself "Papa Roach?" The big daddy of roaches? The most horrible thing that crawls the world (other than humans) is your preferred nomenclature? We can't even begin to tell you how this blogger almost fainted at a record store back in 2000 when confronted with a wall-sized poster promoting the Infest album. These guys are the worst based on nastiness alone. Yeeuch!
4. Céline Dion
Céline Dion makes this list because I was strongly advised against mentioning the recently deceased Whitney Houston... Which begs the question, who has actually cared about Whitney Houston in the last ten years? Nobody. Don't be trendy and jump on the song-downloading bandwagon now, you're the same as all those yahoos back in 2009 who swore they loved Michael Jackson and didn't know lick past a "Thriller" reference. You want to be trendy? Join this trend: French-Canadians are good at Québécois and making beer. If they want to sing, we can only assume they have showers available in locked homes.
3. Julio Iglesias Sr.
Hating Julio Iglesias is like the Player Haters Ball sketch on the Chappelle Show. This man has been to music what Wilt Chamberlain was to basketball: the alpha male who'll guarantee you never get laid with anyone before they've had them. This longtime womanizer has been the nails on the chalkboard to many dudes around the world since the 1960s. He is smooth, exotic, good-looking, classy and has a great voice. Some of us compete by starting garage bands, some of us write blogs filled with hate.
2. ...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead
We're pretty sure these guys are okay, but we in the industry used to love the time when we'd get paid by the word and not by the set piece. Back in those golden days, a band like ...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead would've been a Godsend in padding the paycheck.
Alas! Those days are gone and having to type their name out and the many other outfits who took the "long band names are cool, dude" cue has been a bitter, bitter pill to swallow. And you guys wonder about our integrity.
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01. The Beatles
Purely and solely out of a complete and total lack of respect towards taste and a mightily impressive career-long catalogue, we are going to circumvent any real strategy in crowning something you'd consider "the worst" as number one.
C'mon folks! We're totally fucking with you, even though everybody knows those mummies in the Rolling Stones are much better than the Beatles (wink, wink). The only thing we can hope comes of this coronation, will be that enough of a shit-storm is generated so that we never, ever have to explain to a person under twenty years of age again who Sir Paul fucking McCartney is.