The fine folks behind the EXXXotica Expo finally pulled their collective gonads out of their, err, well, gonads, and have brought the party slightly north to Ft. La-Dee-Da-Di and it falls upon your humble narrator and scribe to pick the top ten attractions.
I don't expect you to agree with me, but there are simply too many beautiful industry types in town to whittle down a list from; but as it stands, I'll be that asshole.
Here is a list of the top ten actresses and actors convening this weekend on our Spring Break-soured beaches for a little healthy pornography.
See also:
- Farrah Abraham Explains, the "Backdoor" in Backdoor Teen Mom Is "More Than Anal Sex"
- EXXXotica 2013: A Playlist Inspired by Ryan Driller's Favorite Musicians
- EXXXotica 2013: Gianna Michaels Enjoys Music That Provokes Emotion
10. Gianna Michaels
Here's Dyme Def's video featuring our new best friend Gianna Michaels. One of the nicest gals we've had the pleasure of palavering with!
9. Alexis Texas
This gal is hottt with three "T's!" But we honestly thought Forbidden Dance would be an instructional lambada video. Oh, well!
8. Ryan Driller
Ryan Driller destroys the fine line between DC and Marvel comics and we are none the wiser. Fuck yeah!
7. Imani Rose
Our girl Imani Rose schools self-described-bad-fuck comedian Boogie B. He likes that shit, but all dudes can relate. We wish we could feel you baby!
6. Trinkette
Trinkette, who we did not want to pair with a sexy YouTube marionette will bring on the performance art for the more "artistically inclined" fan at the Expo. Cut her strings and she'll go far!
5. Sije Sireo
Sije Sireo brings on the steampunk awkwardness in name and execution. Huzzah!!!
4. Jessica Bangkok
This is not a well-known fact, but basketball is freaking HUGE in the Philippines. Look at our beloved Heat coach Erik Spoelstra. Jessica Bangkok could definitely use some minutes off that bench!
3. Evan Stone
Bruce Campbell called... he was wondering if his chin actually killed Aaron Eckhart. We foresee a whole new direction for Hollywood! Evan Stone!!!
2. Sara Jay
Sara Jay is our favorite Jewess in the industry. We love her so much, and she loves South Florida.
1. Ron Jeremy
We only pull this video of the Almighty Hedgehog because it makes perfect sense! Ron Jeremy has given us so much, there aren't enough qualtronics to consummate on the fake mathematics of it all!
Honorable mentions:
Rachel Starr - We'd love to be the extra "R" in you babes!
Sexxy Bunny - You look like a rave wrapped in sex, we love ya!
Christy Mack - C'mon baby, South Florida is more than Miami's Bang Bus! Our favorite riveter!
Enjoy the EXXXotica Expo with responsibility and decorum!
Exxxotica, May 31 to June 2, at Broward Convention Center, 1950 Eisenhower Blvd., Fort Lauderdale. Official EXXXOTICA after-party, May 31, at Passion Nightclub, 5701 Seminole Way, Hollywood. Visit fl.exxxoticaexpo.com for tickets.
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