Talking Shit

Top Ten Signs You're a Music Snob

We all have a friend or two who still dress like it's 1995 but with skinny jeans. They usually have on thick-rimmed glasses and wear T-shirts of bands you've never heard of. The dude or chick carries around all their synthy equipment in their trunk, just in case inspiration strikes at Sunday dinner with their grandma. They seem to know everything and anything about music and are constantly offering unsolicited band recommendations. They own everything on vinyl and have "heard of" every band before they got famous. Yes, that smug, self-satisfied music snob we all love to hate but can't shake.

The thing about music snobs is, they'll never 'fess up as such. Self-identification seems to jeopardize their validity as true highbrow musical connoisseurs. So, who knows, you might even be one and not know it! You need some sort of tester to see if you actually are a music snob. That's where we step in. We've drafted a brief but useful list to help those unaware smarty pants identify themselves. Find out if you're as obnoxious as your whole family thinks you are.

See also: Five Douchiest Things Music Snobs Say

1. You meet a girl or guy at a bar and you throw out questions like, "Have you ever met David Byrne?" when "Once in a Lifetime" plays, or "You didn't know Peter Gabriel was in Genesis?" when Phil Collins' voice hits the speakers; then you snort. You will continue speaking to this person only if he or she answers these gateway questions to your liking.

2. Speaking of bars, you will literally avoid your own siblings' birthday parties because they are throwing them at joints where shitty pop-filled jukeboxes or live classic-rock cover bands play.

3. Pet Sounds, man. Pet Sounds. You are keenly aware of the Beach Boys' wall-of-sound classic's place in musical history and think everyone should "sit with this album" for a bit.

4. Your vinyl collection is not just sorted in alphabetical order but also broken down by year, producer, and genre.

5. The only type of radio you listen to is college or public. You haven't tuned into another FM station since you were 15.

6. You say things like, "Well, the last time I saw Throbbing Gristle live..." and "That's obviously a nod to Sabbath..." to your parents.

7. You are not admittedly gay, but you would spend a steamy night with Brian Eno or Iggy Pop if you could time-warp back to the '70s and be a bisexual rocker. You've had this sort of dream before. Many times.

8. You have Mikey Ramirez from Radio-Active Records and Lauren Reskin from Sweat Records on speed dial.

9. You will dump a date if you find out they check the Pitchfork review ratings before purchasing an album online. Because, are you kidding?!

10. Anytime we post Best Of lists of local music, we always seem to miss your particular favorite local band.

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Alex Rendon