There are certain traditions that seem to haunt us every holiday season, annual rituals from which we can't seem to escape. The cry of "ho ho ho" rings from every street corner (and no, we're not referring to local pimps beckoning their ho ho hos) and on every block, houses are lit up with a glow that far surpasses Uncle Fred's complexion after one too many shots of Scotch and tequila at the office Christmas party.
The sounds of the season - those so-called holiday classics - are often capable of driving us to drink, so much so that we could out-chug drunken revelers like Uncle Fred himself.
With that in mind, we offer ten top holiday songs that stink worse than frankincense and myrrh.
Talk about perversion! The kids wait all year for a visit from the jolly old elf and what happens? He starts making out with mom? Never mind it's dad in that oversized suit, or so the song implies. The kids are fooled, much in the same way that Clark Kent's co-workers find his glasses the only shield needed to guard his identity as Superman. But in this case it's a totally traumatic encounter, the children watching as a lecherous old man fondles their mom. What's next? "I Saw Mommy giving Santa Claus a Hummer?" You never know where all that making out is going to lead.
On the surface, it's a good old tale, a narrative about how the oddball becomes as hero once the old man summons him to duty. But c'mon -- is that fair to put that pressure on Rudolph, just because he's got the shiny red nose? As if he's not self-conscious already! Isn't that kinda taking advantage. sort of like telling a kid in a wheelchair, "Work up some speed, we'll stand on our skateboards and hitch a ride behind you!" Hell, that's the essence of political incorrectness as far as we're concerned.8. "Feliz Navidad"
Okay, we're all for diversity, so it's not the cultural references that bother us. This song would be damn annoying in any language.7. "White Christmas"
Yup, it's a lovely tune. No complaints there. And it reeks of nostalgia, which isn't necessarily a bad thing either. But really... for those of us who reside in South Florida, this inevitable ballad is capable of causing quite a bit of resentment. We're never going to know what a white Christmas looks like... Never, ever. So please, Mr. Crosby, stop rubbing it in our faces. We're stuck with these damn palm trees, temperatures in the mid 80s and eternally blue skies. Yeah, we'll be smirking when our northern neighbors find themselves forced to dig their way out of a snow bank. Serves them right!6. "Do They Know It's Christmastime?"
Yes, we understand the message. There are a lot of unfortunate folks on this planet who don't have the joy of battling crowds for cut rate boxer shorts on Black Friday, or getting their identity stolen by shopping an unsecured site on Cyber Monday, or watching endless reruns of Dickens' "Christmas Carol" or puking all over yourself while the boss watches you make a fool of yourself at the crappy company Christmas party. Don't get us wrong - we wouldn't want to trade places with some poor kid from the Sudan, but we gotta tell ya, these Christmas traditions aren't all they're cracked up to be.5. "Blue Christmas"
"And when those blue snowflakes start falling/That's when those blue memories start calling..." We have to rue any occasion where we'd be forced to tell the King of Rock and Roll that he has to man up. But really, Elvis, wallowing in this self-pity is so unbecoming. You could have had any babe you wanted - you snagged Ann-Margaret, didn't you? So when you're whining that you're all by your lonesome on Christmas, it doesn't exactly ring true.4. "Little Drummer Boy"
Really, drummer boy? You got a pass on giving a gift just because you happen to own a snare drum? Really? And what kind of racket did you offer up instead? A drum solo? Who wants their newborn serenaded by some kid banging away on his drum. Who do you think you are? Tommy Lee? Seriously - organize a band of shepherds and start gigging so you can bring Mary, Joseph and the Baby Jesus something they could really use... like maybe a gift card for night's stay at the Bethlehem Holiday Inn.3. "Jingle Bells"
Again, those of us in these southern environs can't relate to anything that has to do with dashing through the snow on a one horse open sleigh. Hell, there are people here who are challenged enough not to drive into a friggin' canal. And we don't want to hear that you're laughing all the way. What are you so damn happy about? Obviously you never steered that sleigh onto I95 at rush hour. You wouldn't be laughing then, we guarantee you. But we'll snicker at the thought of somebody cutting off your sleigh in traffic, and grandma giving you crap because you were pulled over by a trooper for going about 50 miles below the minimum speed limit. (And what the hell is a bell on bob tail? Sounds like a bit of S&M if you ask us.)2. "I'll Be Home for Christmas"
Seriously, don't bother. We're just now getting over the house full of relatives we had over for Thanksgiving. So spare us any promises about making it home. Like the song says: it's okay if it's only in your dreams. Better than turning our holiday into a nightmare.1. "Wonderful Christmastime"
Paul McCartney turns the thought of the holidays into something so saccharine, it makes our eggnog seem bitter by comparison. We know you were the cute Beatles, Paulie, but the elves and the snowmen and all the squirming kids we're forced to face at the mall, cute just isn't it any more. You want us to have a wonderful Christmastime? Tell the radio stations to keep your song off the air.
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