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What to Buy Your Millennial for Christmas

If you happen to live with or be related to a millennial, then you're probably familiar with this process. Every year, around the start of December, you'll get a text or an email, or maybe just an iPad slipped under your door. Somehow your millennial will electronically send you a list of shit they want.

It's Christmas time, which for them means only one thing: Presents! Things! New stuff to accidently drop in the toilet!

But if your millennial was too busy to get you a list this year, don't worry. I'm going to tell you what to get them.

Anything with an 'i' in front of it.

Be they pads, phones, watches, or balls. Just head toward the store in the mall that looks like a room reserved for robot orgies and wave your credit card in the air.

Tiny clothes

Yes, those $100 jeans that look like they were made for a flamingo are the ones your son wants. Baggy clothes haven't been in style since Fred Durst was screaming about nookies.

And no, you're not in the baby section. That half-shirt crop top is exactly the one your daughter wants. Belly button is in. Just be thankful it's the only hole below the neck she's showing off, because at the rate fabric is disappearing, it's only a matter of time before the only thing on her body are a pair of socks.


Not that your millennial won't one day grow into a loving and patient parent, but, Christ, if they reproduce now? My God, that poor child will be twerking before it can walk. Its middle name will be hashtag and its first word will be "swag."

Make sure that idiot wraps it up.


But not just any books! They have to meet a certain criteria.

There has to be a romance (preferably a love triangle) between two incredibly good-looking white people. At least one person has to die in some type of battle, but not too many people can die. That's just sad. And the climax of the book must take place in the rain.

Or just make sure it talks about sex a lot.

Social Media Assistant

Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, Vine, Instagram, Reddit! How do you expect them to do all of this while driving?!

Do the right thing and hire a liberal arts major to follow them around and upload their every thought onto the internet.

Follow Ryan Pfeffer on Twitter

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