First and foremost, we'd like to congratulate you, Congressman Ryan, on the Republican vice presidential nomination. Rep. Ryan, you've moved up the party ranks with the stealth of one of those hidden weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Good for you!
We know you're not just a handsome face. You have brains behind those chiseled cheek bones. You are, after all, chairman of the House Budget Committee. You've got the smarts, baby. Your stance on fiscal and budgetary issues has made you a Tea Party golden boy.
But c'mon, Pauly (may we call you that, Congressman?), in a recent interview you mentioned that your favorite musical act is subversive alt rap rock band Rage Against the Machine. Really? Considering your extra conservative views on abortion and gay rights, we don't think you actually took the time to sit down and listen to Rage's lyrics. There's no way you really listen to Rage Against the Machine, so we put together a lil' list of songs that will better suit your fancy. Listen to them as you get pumped for your big acceptance speech tonight at the Republican National Convention.
1. "Black Republican"
Last time we checked, the Romney/Ryan ticket had less than 1 percent of the African-American vote. Like zero. Finding those black Republicans has to be an issue weighing... well, not heavily, but somewhat on your mind. We picture you hitting play on this track from Nas and Jay Z as you contemplate what you can kinda do to earn their vote.
2. "Will the Fetus Be Aborted?"
Track 12 from Prairie Home Invasion, the classic 1994 album by outspoken, hardcore punk icons Jello Biafra and Mojo Nixon will get some heavy Ryan iPod rotation.
Mr. Ryan, some lefty friends say if you get elected, you'll set the women's rights movement back 30 years. Can it be so? Sure, you said that rape is "just another method of conception," in defense of a fetus' right to life (that made one of our Obama-lovin' friends faint). Anyway, this song, you'll love it.
3."Capitalism"
This '80s ode to free enterprise would have made a much better fit for your campaign than Twister Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It." We think Oingo Boingo frontman Danny Elfman wouldn't have been in as much of a tizzy as Twisted Sister's Dee Snider was when you used his song without permission.
4. Jocko Homo
This kooky B-side to late '70s quirky outfit Devo's first single, "Mongoloid," speaks about devolution -- the notion that a species can change into a more "primitive" form over time. This song's sarcastic treatment of Darwinism will appeal to you, we're certain.
"They tell us that/We lost our tails/Evolving up/From little snails/I say it's all/Just wind in sails/Are we not men?"
5 "Get A Job"
This beep-bopping 1957 classic pretty much sums up your views on welfare, in three words or less.
6 "Illegal Alien"
"It's no fun being an illegal alien," croons Genesis front man Phil Collins on this track off his band's 1983 eponymous album. We just know you'll sing this verse at the top of your lungs as you picture the rise of a colossal wall running the border of Mexico and U.S. while dancing in the shower.
