Before Kimye "North" West emerged from the near perfect figure of Kim Kardashian, whenever someone asked what the baby's name was going to be (as if I have the key to Kanye's noggin), I would joke and say, "North." And then about two weeks ago, North West was actually born; a child whose name is only acceptable because it doesn't start with a "K."
Yesterday, Jessica Simpson named her second child Ace Knute Johnson, a moniker that rivals the kreativity of the K Klan.
Let's just start off saying congratulations to both Kim and Jessica on their newborns. Both mamas are beautiful curvaceous goddesses of seemingly limited intellect, but probable brilliance, and certainly their little ones will shine. But we have a question here that needs to be addressed. Why are celebrities naming their babies weird things, and can be blame Gwyneth Paltrow, Los Angeles, or the internet?
Now making fun of babies is bad business, so instead of mocking the tiniest members of 2013's musical royalty, can we just agree that Ace Knute and North are not your typical names? Jessica and Kim, however, were very popular at the time of their births and continue to be typical girl names unto today. Perhaps these new moms are trying to give their children the thing they never had: unique titles.
But then you come to Gwyneth and Apple. I mean, she's got a beautiful classic name that is certainly less trendy than Jessica and Kim, and then she titles her child after a fruit. Is it her fault people like Bryan Adams call their tykes things like Lula Rosylea? No, and let us tell you why. The year before Apple popped out, Jason Lee called his kid Pilot Inspektor. So we can't blame the Martins entirely.
How about Los Angeles; can we just blame L.A.? We could perhaps sum it up as a new California craze, if it weren't for that one thing that we use every day to do everything short of making babies: the web.
Isn't it possible that people name their little ones such things for the sake of Googlability? Sure, you Google Northwest now, and you learn a little about Oregon, but in a few years, a Northwest internet search will only bring you kindergarten photos of Kimye. Ace Ventura? Who's that? Ace Knute. Isn't he a cutie? These people don't want to just have the total devotion of the internet, they want to own it from the inside. These names represent a total web takeover by attention hungry celebs.
I was right about North. How could I be wrong about this?