Guess what, Florida? It's hot. Like, so hot it makes you wonder what fool decided this blighted land would be suitable for humanity.
So hot your car's full-blast AC isn't enough, and, sitting there, you begin to sweat in strange and unusual places. Likely around your lower back.
Then: an idea. You can go to the beach, where, you think, salvation is for the taking. But beach clubs are expensive, so you venture to the closest public spot and settle down.
But there are 11 problems.
11. The people who brush out their towels right in front of you. Are you insane? Have you never been outside before? Do you not grasp the mechanics of wind? You know that sand that, just a moment ago, was choking your towel? It's now all over our legs and chest. Which, by every approximation, is a much worse place than your towel. We're not saying you deserve to be choked to death on sand to illustrate the enormity of your offense but that people like you enabled Pol Pot in his campaign of genocide.
10. The people who blast reggaeton on their eight-battery radio. Excuse us, sir? Did you forget you're not alone on this beach? Did you miss the hundreds of people everywhere? Did you think no one would notice your $19.99, Kmart boombox? Hello? Oh, you can't hear? Of course. It's because YOU'RE PLAYING YOUR FUCKING REGGAETON SO LOUDLY.
9. The people who wear shoes to the beach. Fuck you. This isn't the club. Take off your damned shoes. Relax. There's reggaeton playing.
8. The people who sit down right next to you. It is not enough for you to inhabit our immediate vicinity in (a) traffic jams, (b) at the Publix line, and (c) at the Aventura Mall -- now you must come within striking distance at the beach. Secret: There's sand aplenty. We don't want our blankets touching yours. This is not a game of Risk. You're not trying to conquer every speck of land.
7. The people who won't stop yelling at their three to eight children. You have two options. Either you can actually wrench your girth free from your beach chair, approach your spawn, and quell whatever tomfoolery they're embroiled in -- or, OR, you can just stop yelling. Because this thing where you scream at your kids who are playing in the water while you're 50 yards away? It cannot continue. Really, it cannot. (You're terrible in every way imaginable.)
6. The fat people who are always naked. Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. Um, no.
5. The people who smoke cigars on the beach. You want to kill yourself? Fine. But you want to clog the air amid hundreds of people? That's rude. If you cigar is stank, don't bring it to the beach. You're not a gangster. You're a fool.
4. The people who feed the seagulls on the beach. Did we miss something? Did this beach spontaneously become a zoo? Do you know what those seagulls do when you call them over? They shit. They shit everywhere. And when we're trying to get a moment's peace at the beach, we don't want to worry about your dumb ass making us step in seagull shit, making us wish we were wearing shoes like Joe Cool over there.
3. This guy.
2. Teenagers. Stop doing whatever it is you're doing.
1. People who sit between you and your view of the water. What do you think you're doing? You're kidding, right? And, is that? No, it can't be. You have a little boombox with you. You're not going to...? Yes, you are. Reggaeton. Of course.
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