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13 Lessons For/About Crackheads From PWBC

But all this doesn't mean we can't still learn something from the show. (It does appear on the Learning Channel.) Let's take crack, for example. Sure, they bust other users and sellers on the show, but you can't watch for more than eight minutes without someone whipping out a crack rock.

So here is a list of lessons both for crackheads and about crackheads (for the potential noncrackheads reading this) from this week's episode of PWBC.

For crackheads: From Detective Ana Murillo, "The best thing about a takedown is the element of surprise." So if you have $500 in cash from drug sales, don't claim you earned it today laying bricks.

About crackheads: Crackheads, when confronted with their own crack, will inevitably claim some variation of "that's my friend's crack rock, officer."

For: Claiming the crack is a friend's works only for Michael Irvin. And honestly, quit saying that anyway. You ruin it for people who honestly just carry a lot of crack rocks for their friends.

About: Owning the ubiquitous prescription drugs isn't illegal. The police often have to use undercover cops to buy pills to make a case against dealers who may have dozens of bottles in their name.

About: Just about every drug -- including prescription pills -- can be, and is, heated on a spoon and injected.

For: Police have an on-site chemical test for most drugs, including heroin. When the test came up a positive blue, Murillo exclaimed, "It's a boy!" (Then we got some gratuitous mom and boy scenes with the only boy on the show not named Dominic.)

For: If you stuff your drugs into your crotch, police will put their hands into your crotch and get them. Then they will mock you for the camera.

For: Police will stop you if they say they saw "some sort of transaction take place." (They will also end their sentences in prepositions, as in "What did you do that for?" At the Juice, ending sentences in prepositions isn't something we're into. It's not what we're about. What's up?)

About: If your son does crack, don't give him hundreds of dollars to get a car fixed. He will spend it on crack. It also makes cops think of their own kids, and horrible sentimental background music will play for way too long.

For: If you believe the editing in this show, as soon as anyone talks about her son, she's about to jump out of the car and make a drug bust. You've been warned.

About: A crack user is likely to try to hide his big bag of crack in his mouth when cops come. Police will scream, "Spit it out! Spit it out now!" repeatedly for 15 minutes. This tactic seems to work.

For: You tell your sad story to Detective Andrea Penoyer and you're still going to jail, buddy. Even if she believes you, she thinks jail is good for you.

About: Crack is addictive. A woman might quit her high-paying job to walk the streets as a prostitute for crack. 

For: Listen to Pee Wee Herman: Don't do crack, kids. (Masturbate instead.) 

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Michael J. Mooney

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