Broward News

2014 Teacher Evaluations: Bayview Elementary Was Robbed!

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But I can assure you that my association with Bayview Elementary will not affect my ability to form fair, unbiased opinions about these teacher evaluations.

That being said, these 2014 teacher evaluations make me want to slap a baby penguin in the face.

How did Bayview Elementary -- the school by the bay -- fall at number three in the Broward elementary school category? This is the same school whose faculty once assembled the entire 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade classes in an open field, organized them into the words "BAYVIEW 2000" and got them to stand still long enough for a goddamn helicopter to fly over and take a picture!

Do you realize how difficult that is? Have you ever met a nine-year-old? Getting 300 of them to do anything is impossible without a football field-length of Vicodin-infused Fruit Roll-Up.

And who could possibly knock Bayview Elementary from its rightful place at the top?

None other than Beachside Montessori Village and Davie Elementary School, coming in at number one and two respectively.

I'll give you a second to run to your nearest electronics store and purchase a new computer, because if you have any brain in your skull at all, you surely just punched a hole through your computer after hearing that.

Davie Elementary? Seriously? Apparently 18.8% of Davie Elementary's teachers qualified as "Highly Effective," which is odd, because I'm 99% sure that 57% of Davie's teaching staff is made up of farm animals.

It must be easy to educate the youth when the bulk of your curriculum focuses on goat etiquette.

One time, Davie Elementary took a field trip out to see the town battery. The kids are still talking about it.

But those tiny yokels over at Davie Elementary do not hold a candle (which is the only way they can see at night) to the insult that was Beachside Montessori Village beating Bayview for the top spot.

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Ryan Pfeffer is Miami New Times’ music editor. After earning a BS in editing, writing, and media from Florida State University, Ryan joined the New Times staff in November 2013 as a web editor, where he coined the phrase "pee-tweet" (to retweet someone while urinating). Born and raised in Fort Lauderdale, he’s now neck-deep in bass and booty in the 305.
Contact: Ryan Pfeffer