Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria took out a full-page ad in the local papers last week titled "Letter to our Fans," (inexplicably, that letter failed to make its way to the New Times!) to explain why he and his team suck so hard.
The letter was probably the most pedantic, lacking self-awareness, narcissistic trolling ever done by a team owner in the history of sports. It boiled down to basically blaming the media for the reason the Marlins stink, and accusing the media of lying about the team's finances, with Loria taking only a small portion of the blame for the dark endless pit of sadness the Marlins have become.
So, we at New Times thought we'd come up with more ideas for Loria to further troll the fanbase, while thinking the ideas are totally going to smooth things over!: