We have criminals, just like every other state.
But we have our own special kind of criminal. Namely, dumb ones.
And, because we're never in short supply of dumb criminals, we present to you our latest series of the dumbest Florida criminals of the month.
August was special for dumb Florida criminals.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy the stupid!
8. Burglars Break Into a Warehouse So They Can Steal Some Boots, and Then Leave the Boots They Came to Steal
A regular Ocean's Eleven, these people. Three unidentified burglars -- two women and one man -- took a sledgehammer to the concrete wall of the Coastal Boots warehouse in Pompano Beach, working slowly and meticulously to smash open a hole big enough to fit through.
Once inside, they disabled the alarm and nabbed themselves a shoebox with a pair of work boots valued at $200.
According to surveillance footage, the three then inexplicably began running around the warehouse with the sledgehammer and the shoebox.
They then jumped into their getaway car, possibly a white Chrysler 300, with a fourth accomplice.
And, apparently, they left without their sledgehammer.
7. Suspected Terrorists in Boca Turn Out to Be a Bunch of Comic Con Nerds
Quick, Robin! To the nerd cave!
Several men in military-style garb and armor, armed with machine guns and various weapons, were spotted on the roof of a parking lot in Boca Raton. Alarmed onlookers immediately called police, who rushed to the scene. Once there, they converged on the armed men and drew their firearms, demanding the would-be terrorists to lay down their weapons and drop to the ground.
Turns out, the armed men were nothing but a handful of nerds prepping for a photo shoot for an upcoming Comic Con with prop guns.
Worst. Photo shoot. Ever.
6. Robbers All Set to Fight Their Charges Foiled When a Note About the Crime They Committed Is Discovered... in the Courtroom
Three men were in court to defend themselves against home invasion and armed robbery charges when a deputy noticed one of the suspects digging into his jumpsuit pocket.
When the officer asked the man what he was doing, the suspect said he was looking for a letter from his attorney.
Deputy Joseph Kastor then found a note in the jury box and, as he inspected it, noticed that it was written by one of the suspects telling the others what to say to get their stories straight for trial.
And since the jig was obviously up, all three codefendants decided to forgo trial and changed their pleas to guilty.
5. This Guy Has The Worst Luck EVER
OK, so this one isn't a criminal (BE SURE TO SEND YOUR ANGRY EMAILS TO OUR EDITOR), but it's a tale that must be told. Only because, holy crap!
Erik Norrie, a longtime Largo fisherman and businessman, was
1.) Struck by lightning 2.) Bitten by a rattlesnake 3.) Punched by a monkey 4.) Punched by a monkey, again 5.) Bitten by a shark
He also might have married the meanest lady ever.
4. A Woman Didn't Clean Out the Cat Litter, So Her Husband Threatened to Kill Her, Naturally
Avelino Urbano Garon, 59, pulled a knife on his wife over an argument about whose responsibility it is to clean out the cat litter.
Garon reportedly became angrier and angrier during the argument and even threatened to throw their cat against the wall.
He then allegedly pulled out a knife and said, "Do you want me to kill you? I will kill you."
When cops arrived, Garon gave a statement, saying it is his belief that a wife is responsible for cleaning out the kitty litter and, as far as he's concerned, he was right in pulling out a knife and threatening to take her life over it.
Hear that, ladies? Raise the kids, cook the meals, and clean the cat shit. IS THAT SO HARD?
3. A Naked Guy Walking His Dog and Tripping on 'Shrooms Gets Tasered by Cops
According to a Maitland Police report, local residents called the cops to tell them that a naked man was walking a dog around the neighborhood.
According to the arrest records, when police approached Campbell and asked him where his clothes were, he said, "This is God's house."
Campbell then began to threaten one of the cops, saying he was going to kill the officer.
That's when they decided to Taser his naked ass and take him into custody.
Police said Campbell eventually fessed up to being under the influence of psilocybin mushrooms.
2. This Guy Can't Stop Having Sex With Dogs
This not-at-all-creepy-looking bespectacled gent you see here was arrested twice in one week for having sex with two different dogs, with one other dog possibly awaiting the man's amorous advances.
James Lee Lyons nabbed one of his neighbor's dogs and had sex with it. He was arrested for this.
When Animal Control Officers went to his house to make sure he wasn't having sex with the dog anymore, they reportedly found two dogs. And yes, he had allegedly had sex with at least one of them.
When a vet checked the female 42-pound terrier mix, he found injuries to the dog's genitals.
According to the vet, the terrier suffered "a great amount of pain" and continues to suffer through the healing process, which is both gross and horrifying.
1. Man Bites Off an Ear and Puts It Into Coffee Creamer to Preserve It
Kenneth Thompson walked into his home and found his female roommate hanging out in the kitchen.
The man didn't like seeing some dude hanging out with her, so he decided to wrestle the dude.
In the middle of the fight, Thompson bit down on the man's ear, ripped off a piece, and spit it into his hand before dropping it into a coffee mug, pouring creamer in it, and placing it in the fridge.
Thompson would later tell police he did that because he heard that's how people preserve teeth that had fallen out of their mouths.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to New Times Broward-Palm Beach's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling South Florida's stories with no paywalls.