Ah Florida.
We have criminals, just like every other state.
But we have our own special kind of criminal. Namely, dumb ones.
And, because we're never in short supply of dumb criminals, we present to you our latest series of the dumbest Florida criminals of the month.
September was special for dumb Florida criminals.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy the stupid!
See also: 8 Dumbest Florida Criminals of the Month of August
8. The Guy That Beat Up An Elderly Woman to Get Demons Out of Her
David Edward Benes, 54, and his 80-year-old girlfriend apparently got into a brouhaha that led to Benes' hoping that Satan would be cast out from his lady during the fight.
Apparently, there's a lot of pre-Devil-purging legwork involved in exorcisms, because Benes took the batteries out of her phone so she couldn't call the cops, took her car keys, and even rigged the garage door so it wouldn't open.
Once all that was done, Benes began the exorcism -- against the woman's will, of course.
The exorcism started Monday night, and eventually Benes' girlfriend fell asleep, because the Power of Christ compelled her, but most likely because she's an old person.
Benes was arrested for domestic battery on a person 65 or older and for tampering with a witness and false imprisonment.
7. The Other Guy That Beat Up An Elderly Woman to Get Demons Out of Her
Pierre Franchi, 29, allegedly attacked 66-year-old Sue Ann Montfort and tried to strangle her with cords from the blinds, smother her with a pillow, and hit her with a handheld mirror, all while shouting, "Demons are coming after you!"
The attack lasted for about 10 hours, according to police.
Montfort had taken Franchi in as a foreign exchange student ten years ago. The two had recently reconnected.
But in recent days, Franchi began to act strangely, and the two got into an argument. Montfort says the Frenchman slapped her face and grabbed her wrists. She also says he tried to break a glass coffee table.
Then, on Friday night, things came to a head when she confronted Franchi about leaving a wet towel on the floor. Later that evening, around 2 a.m., Franchi allegedly attacked Montfort while she was sleeping. He pinned her to the bed and told her he would have to kill her to save her from demons.
Franchi was arrested and booked into the Palm Beach County Jail on charges of aggravated battery on a person over 65, false imprisonment, and depriving use of 911. He was also charged with grand theft when it was learned he may have stolen Montfort's purse and a necklace.
6. The Guy That Tried to Pay For His Water Bill With Crack
An employee at the water department called the Volusia County Sheriff's Office to report a suspicious white powder on Monday morning.
A Volusia County Fire Services and Deltona Fire Department HAZMAT teams were dispatched to the area to check out the envelope.
And, upon further inspection, the white powder did not turn out to be anthrax or baby powder or chalk or even cash.
"Interestingly enough, it was crack cocaine," a Volusia County Sheriff's Office spokesperson said.
The sheriff's office is still investigating the situation and has been looking at surveillance footage from the Deltona Water building that may have photographed the man who handed the envelope to the cashier.
He's probably somewhere holding a wad of cash and wondering why his water has been shut off. Also, where all his crack cocaine is.
5. The Lady That Took Selfies With the iPad She Stole, and Had them Appear on The Victim's Home Computer
A woman is being sought by Palm Beach Police after selfies that she took with an iPad she allegedly stole appeared on the victim's home computer. The victim had his iPad and iPod stolen out of his car when he was dropping off his kids at South County Regional Park in Boca Raton on August 29.
But then, on September 12, the victim's wife suddenly saw some new photos popping up on her son's iTouch photo stream.
The photos were of a woman posing for selfies and sticking her tongue out. A lot.
The photos appeared at their home via the iCloud, a wireless server from Apple that people use to connect all their devices.
The iCloud is widely popular and common. Apparently, though, the Tongue Burglar isn't aware of it.
4. The Couple That Beat Up a Mentally Disabled Man to Steal His Grand Theft Auto V Videogame
A mentally challenged Delray Beach man who had spent months saving up to buy himself the highly anticipated Grand Theft Auto V videogame was beaten up by a man and woman who then stole the game from him.
Rohan Dawkins, 21, works at the local Home Depot and had been setting aside $10 from each paycheck so he could buy the videogame.
Dawkins was approached by Tommy Leon Davis, 27, and Adele Francis Jones, 26, as he headed to a bus stop.
Davis asked Dawkins for the time. Dawkins put down the GameStop shopping bag on the ground to look at his watch. That's when Davis snatched the bag and took off running toward a car, according to an arrest report.
Jones then stepped out of the passenger side of that car and began to punch and kick Dawkins.
Dawkins fought back. But the couple jumped back into the car and drove off.
Dawkins was able to pick the couple out of a lineup, and the two were arrested for strong-armed robbery and dealing in stolen property and were booked into the Palm Beach County Jail.
3. The Lady That Went to Pick Up Her Son From School Drunk
32-year-old Christina Stewart was busted when she went to pick up her son from Debary Elementary School.
Apparently, Stewart pulled into the school going the wrong way. She was also apparently driving against the rest of the traffic, the report says.
And so, Stewart caught the attention of a deputy on duty at the school.
When the officer asked her to back up, she did. But it took her a lot longer than it normally would to do so. She also hit the curb a few times.
Stewart exited her vehicle and, according to the cop, she reeked of booze. The officer conducted a sobriety test, which she failed.
When the deputy asked Stewart to take a Breathalyzer test, she reportedly responded, "No. Fuck you!"
The officer arrested Stewart, while her boyfriend went to pick up the kid.
2. The Guy That Angrily Shook His Penis at His Neighbor
John Solomayar of Fort Pierce, who was arrested for allegedly shaking his Johnson at the neighbor he was arguing with.
He also threatened to kill his neighbor, but we're not sure if he meant with his penis or not.
According to a St. Lucie County Sheriff's Office arrest report, Solomayar was having a heated argument with his neighbor on the night of September 9.
The report says that, in the middle of the brouhaha, Solomayar threatened to kill the neighbor -- an unidentified male -- and then "walked to the middle of Southwest Airoso Boulevard and took his penis out of his pants and with his hand he shook it at him in a very vulgar manner and shouted, 'suck it.'"
Either in fear of his life being threatened or having a penis shaken at him, the neighbor was prompted to call 911.
Solomayar was arrested and taken to the St. Lucie County jail.
1. The Dolphins Fan That Beat Up The Jets Fan With a PVC Pipe
Joshua Grayson, 22, was watching football with a Jets fan on the morning of August 30.
Grayson, who told cops he's a huge Miami Dolphins fan, says he and the other man, a Jets fan, began having an argument over which team is better.
The man made fun of the Dolphins, telling Grayson, "They lose all the time."
The Jets fan then reportedly poked Grayson in the forehead, according to the report.
Grayson retaliated by pushing the man, and then the man punched Grayson in the eye.
Grayson, not liking his team being made fun of, his forehead being poked, or his eye being punched, basically went berserk on the Jets fan.
Grayson hit the Jets fan in the face 15 times, grabbed him, and threw him head-first onto the driveway and into a recycling bin filled with glass bottles.
The Jets fan got up and rode off on his bicycle.
Later that night, the Jets fan apparently saw Grayson arguing with his girlfriend. The man told him to stop, and then the Dolphins fan and Jets fan picked up their slug-fest where they left off.
Grayson then reportedly showed up at the Jets fan's home at 4 a.m. later that night with a couple of other dudes, each carrying a PVC pipe.
According to the affidavit, they then hit the Jets fan with the PVC pipes.
When the cops showed up, Grayson told them, "Look, I have an anger problem and whooped his ass really bad."
Grayson was arrested on an aggravated battery charge and taken to the St. Lucie County jail.
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