Hi Dan Marino.
Hi. Hello. How are you?
You might not remember me, but we met last year during a Miami Dolphins presser when they unveiled their new logo and uniforms. I was the guy who walked up to you and tried asking you a question but instead only managed to say something along the lines of, "Derrrrr.... derrr... derrrrrr..."
I was nervous. Sorry about that. You're my hero!
Which brings us to the point of this article. Seems that you're out of a job now. And that's a total bummer.
But now that you're no longer at CBS, the rumors have begun to fly that the Dolphins might offer you a front office gig with them. And while I'd love nothing more than to see you someday finally win that Super Bowl ring as a front office guy, I think I love you enough to tell you to turn down any and all front office jobs this team offers you.
Just say no, Dan Marino.
Still not convinced, eh? Well, here are 9 reasons why you should say no:
9. Things Are WAY Different From When You First Took This Job
Ten years ago, you were named the team's senior vice president. And then you went to the Senior Bowl, and then you said fuck it and took off. Things were not as pretty as it was sold to you. This job is hard, and it ages you, and it's unfair. And that's with teams not the Dolphins.
Well, ten years later, things are no different. In fact, things are a fucking travesty within an abomination wrapped in ruination with this team.
It smells, Dan Marino. It smells horrid.
It smells like a dirty diaper from a baby that ate a microwaved egg salad sandwich.
8. John Elway Was Extremely Lucky People love to point at your buddy John Elway and all his recent success in Denver as reason why you should now take a stab at running things in Miami.
But, much like your respective playing days, you'd be stuck in a dysfunctional franchise that is sure to piss all over your legacy, while John Elway is swaddled in pure unbridled luck.
Seriously. John Elway must have used that horse face of his to seduce and then bang a unicorn because the luck that toothy dipshit has had is unfathomable.
First, he inherits Terrel Davis and Shannon Sharpe and goes on to ride their shoulders to two consecutive Super Bowl wins. Now, he inherits one of the most promising wide receivers in Demarius Thomas and had Peyton Manning fall into his lap.
Thomas was drafted by the guys before him, and Manning basically chose the Broncos because it was either them or the Dolphins. The Broncos were the team that sucked the least. The rest was all Manning.
7. There's No Peyton Manning Out There Which leads us to this..... there is no Peyton Manning out there to fall into your lap. You, of all people, understand that if the quarterback ain't worth a crap, the team is going to suck.
And, let's face it, Ryan Tannehill is not anywhere near the vicinity of ever being a Peyton Manning.
He's a nice QB. His wife is a bit bubble headed, but we're willing to overlook that.
Tannehill has shown flashes of being a solid QB. But the rest of the time he's either overthrowing receivers, underthrowing receivers, or throwing it to the other team.
Ryan Tannehill might have a depth-perception problem. You don't want to come into a team with so much uncertainty at that position. And it's not like Aaron Rodgers is suddenly going to have a neck injury that sidelines him for a full season, which allows the Packers to earn the first overall pick in the draft, thus cutting ties with him.
(I'm telling you. John Elway fucked a unicorn!)
6. Things Are A Goddamn Mess In Miami
Have you SEEN what's been happening to this team since you left? Namely, it has sucked balls. It's a team that has been stuck in a perpetual wormhole of horse ass and monkey shit, sucking us in, swirling us about, and spitting us out on the other side where every season ends in a 7-9 record, no playoffs, and the 19th overall draft pick.
Not to mention the absolute shit-ditch Jeff Ireland drove this franchise into before FINALLY getting the boot.
And then there's the whole bullying fiasco, where people are angry and taking sides and calling names and won't stop talking about it. The media has dubbed the Dolphins the Face of Bullying In America. But, really, it's the Face of Shit Stains On The Mattress.
Also, you'd be inheriting a team that fields Koa FUCKING Misi for crapsake.
5. Stephen Ross Is A Dolt
Have you ever seen a bigger star-fucker than Stephen Ross outside of a Kardashian? The guy LOVES to dry hump celebrities and big names with his eyes, and loses all rational thought whenever a famous-to-semi-famous person comes within his vision.
This is the guy that sold stakes to every C-list celeb that crawled out of the woodwork to announce themselves as "Dolphins fans."
And this is why he'd want you on his team. Not because he thinks you'd do well at your job. But because you're a Big Name guy -- the biggest in this town not named "LeBron" or "Dwyane."
And let's not forget how the team has turned into a pile of deer shit under his watch. How he clinged onto Jeff Ireland way longer than he should have, and is doing the same with Joe Philbin.
You want to work for a guy you can take seriously. Stephen Ross may have made billions in real estate, but he runs the Dolphins like Kruger Industrial Smoothing.
4. The Media Down Here Is Full Of Idiots
This is a team with beat writers who love to condescend their readers and love to make any all stories about themselves.
Like this guy.
And this guy.
Those two guys, specifically.
No man should have to deal with that much douche on a day to day basis.
3.This Guy Would Be Your Coach. Look At This Fucking Guy
LOOK AT HIM.
2. There Are Literally Hundreds of Other Jobs That Are Way Better
Like landscaping. Or blogging! That's a good job. Or commercials. You can grow a Hitler mustache like Michael Jordan did and do more commercials.
Anything, anything else for Christ!
1. Your Legacy
You are an icon. A Legend. The Right Arm of God. The greatest quarterback to ever play the game. Our lasting image of you are basically a smorgasbord of memories of watching you obliterate opposing defenses every Sunday with your lightning bolt passes. Why taint that image by taking a front office job with a team that is reeling in an ocean of dookie? Why take the risk? I understand why people would want you to. You've always represented hope, always created magic out of mediocrity. And maybe, just maybe, you could pull off the impossible and turn things around and lead the Dolphins back to glory in a management position.
Run away, Dan Marino. Run FAR AWAY AND DON'T YOU LOOK BACK.
Send your story tips to the author, Chris Joseph.
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