A (Revised) New York Times Weekend in Palm Beach

When a New York Times reporter tours your town for a fluffy travel piece, you know she's going to miss something. Yesterday's "36 Hours in Palm Beach, Fla." was no exception. The Times reporter drooled over the oceanfront mansions and the cocktails at the Breakers Hotel but glossed over some other important landmarks on the Island of Absurd Wealth. So the Juice compiled this alternate tour:

9 a.m. Oxycodone Break. You'll find plenty of pain clinics within sprinting distance of Palm Beach International Airport. Hit 'em up before you head over to the island and watch your popularity soar.

1 p.m. Foreclosure Express. After lunch, take a tour of the ghostly condo

towers in West Palm Beach. Find hundreds of empty units in CityPlace South Tower; take pictures to post on eBay.

4 p.m. Ponzi Education. On Worth Avenue in downtown Palm Beach, don't forget to visit the boutique Trillion, home of Bernie Madoff's $2,000 pants!

Note: While searching for a parking space on Worth Avenue, rest assured that no Everglades Club employee will impede your progress. Those hard-working folks are banned from occupying the coveted spaces.

10 p.m. Tiger Hunting: Stalk the bars for a glimpse of alleged Tiger Woods mistress Rachel Uchitel. She's here somewhere, we swear.

11 a.m. Corruption Central. After breakfast, stop by the halfway house in West Palm where Kevin McCarty, husband of disgraced former Palm Beach County Commissioner Mary McCarty, finished his prison sentence.Take notes. This is what happens when you let your politico wife steer bond underwriting business your way.

2 p.m. For the Road. Hit up another pain clinic on your way back to the airport. You'll never find prescription pills this cheap in Iowa, and it's a long ride home.

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