All 30 Cities in Broward County, Ranked From Worst to Best | The Daily Pulp | South Florida | Broward Palm Beach New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida

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All 30 Cities in Broward County, Ranked From Worst to Best

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20. Parkland

Pros: With reportedly only 0.85 violent crimes and 9.5 property crimes per 1,000 residents, it's the safest city in all of Florida!

Cons: It's crazy tiny! Thirteen square miles? No wonder it's got a low crime rate. Criminals don't even know it's there. Also, horses. Horses everywhere. So. Many. Damn. Horses.

Bottom line: TINY! HORSES!

19. Lauderdale Lakes

Pros: Originally a retirement area for Jewish New Yorkers. That sounds quiet.

Cons: The city's motto is "We Care!" and whatever it is they care about, it's sure not making an impression. Its other motto is "The Heart of Broward County," which fits in a literal sense. Lauderdale Lakes is the hell that the Turnpike runs through.

Bottom Line: No one knows where Lauderdale Lakes is or why it needs two different mottos.

18. Sea Ranch Lakes

Pros: This village of 670 is known for its small-town feel -- particularly the efforts of the local cops, who often go above and beyond their call of duty. It's kind of like Mayberry in the sense that you can count on an officer to help if Felix ever gets caught in a tree or if you lock yourself out of the house.

Cons: Sea Ranch Lakes can afford to go the extra mile because it's only 0.2 square miles. Its 5-0 has also been known to assist Border Patrol when undocumented immigrants wash ashore.

Bottom Line: Cops with a lot of time on their hands.

17. Coconut Creek

Pros: It's one of the greenest cities in South Florida, filled with a vast array of landscaped roads, clean waterways, parks, and butterfly gardens. Money magazine called it the 48th best small town in the U.S. in 2010.

Cons: The Police Department is kinda shady. In particular, one cop who was not only busted in a massage parlor doubling as a brothel but also threatened to put a suspect in a bathtub, turn on the water, and tase him. Oh, and the Police Department was still paying this copper his annual 87-grand salary while he was suspended for his behavior.

Bottom line: Be wary if you walk into a massage parlor here that offers a "Happy Ending" special. That's all we're gonna say.

16. Pembroke Pines

Pros: If you've got the munchies, hop in a cab and tell that mother F'er, "Pembroke Pines, and step on it!" Your stomach will thank you. Pembroke Pines recently joined the growing number of Broward cities with a Trader Joe's, and five seconds in Mojo Donuts is enough to give Cheech and Chong a heart attack.

See also: Mojo Donuts (Photos)

Cons: Unless you're stoned and starving, there's just not much to do in Pembroke Pines. It's a nondescript city. Bland-like and empty, like if you took all the cool stuff out of a Pop Tart.

Bottom Line: Play the word-association game with someone. Ask them the first thing that comes to mind when they hear "Pembroke Pines." Chances are you'll get a blank stare and a few slow blinks in return. No one's itching to make their way to Pembroke Pines.

15. Hillsboro Beach

Pros: It's where you want to live if you're filthy stinkin' rich. We're talking use-wads-of-cash-as-charcoal-briquettes rich. It features a gaudy palace that's called the country's most expensive real estate listing. It has a place people call Millionaires' Mile, which is a stretch of road of nothing but huge mansions and extravagant homes that you can gawk at while driving in your shitty little 2008 Hyundai.

Cons: You can feel the privilege and entitlement growing on your skin as soon as you enter this place.

Bottom line: It's a wonderful place to visit if you want to feel instantly depressed about your financial worth and status in life.

14. Lighthouse Point

Pros: There are some great seafood joints here, and Sicilian Oven is the best pizza this side of northeast Broward. It's also really picturesque and pretty. And yes, there's an actual lighthouse here.

Cons: It's the town that gave the world Nevin Shapiro, the convicted shady little weasel who orchestrated a $930 million Ponzi scheme while trying to take the University of Miami down with him. Also, the cops will pull you over if you even think about going over the speed limit.

Bottom line: It's a nice little spot for a staycation.

13. Pompano Beach

Pro: This beach burg sports the best oceanfront public property in all of Broward. The Pompano Beach pier in particular is a great place to waste some sunny hours, with a quiet, fishing-friendly vibe, cheap parking, and none of the drunk frat antics you'll find in Fort Lauderdale or Hollywood.

Con: Pompano's core area has been eaten away by the economic downturn, leaving a lot of empty retail space badly in need to redevelopment.

Bottom Line: Stick to the beach.

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New Times Staff