Remember all the hoopla surrounding the "Suck For Luck" campaign last year?
Yea, there was a reason for that.
The Colts' Andrew Luck decimated the Dolphins defense, leading Indianapolis to the 23-20 victory over Miami on Sunday.
Luck went 30-of-48, and set a rookie record by surgically removing the Dolphins' pass defense's testicles to the tune of 433 yards passing. He also threw two touchdowns, and converted 16 third downs in 19 tries.
Our quarterback ain't no slouch himself, however. It's just that, he played behind an offensive line that can only be described as COCKMITTENS.
Playing with a banged up leg, Ryan Tannehill showed that he too has balls of titanium and did what he could behind a shit performance from his cockmittens o-line. Tannehill finished the day 22-of-38 for 290 yards and a touchdown.
He started the afternoon his usual efficient self. But then Tannehill's day got progressively worse.
The Colts pass rushers were like a grizzly bear batting around a baby squirrel with Tannehill. And, eventually, his accuracy was dicked and ruined. Mainly because anyone who's gotten his ass dented sideways all day long is going to eventually start throwing the football eight feet over wide open receiver's heads.
Tannehill was good.
But Luck was better.
As Colts receiver Reggie Wayne said, "Did you see those two playing like they were trying to top each other? That was something special to watch play out."
"Of course, I think we got the real special one," he added with a laugh.
For his part, Luck showed by he was deserving of the first overall pick, and why Dolphins fans rooted for Miami to tank their season last year rather than win a couple of meaningless November games that had zero baring on the playoffs so that this team can finally crawl out of the crack of mediocrity's ass.
Leading up to this week, after wins against such daunting blow-your-ass-off offenses like the Oakland Raiders, New York Jets, St. Louis Rams and Arizona Cardinals, the media branded the Dolphins as one of the best secondaries in the league. SOME EVEN CALLED SEAN SMITH A SHUTDOWN CORNER! Yet, against a dynamic gunslinger like Luck (or even a not-so-dynamic, but still pretty good QB, like Matt Schaub in Week 1), that undaunted secondary was exposed as fraudulent and had its proverbial dick kicked in over and over again.
Against Luck's size and pocket mobility, the Dolphins' usually effective pass rushers were rendered useless. Luck was able to make passes we haven't seen in this league since Dan Marino. Tight, sharp, accurate and with power. Anytime the Dolphins offense would score, the Colts would answer. Nothing epitomized Miami's rancid pass defense like Luck's pinpoint 35-yard touchdown strike to a double-covered T.Y. Hilton late in the third.
That touchdown made it 20-17, Colts.
Tannehill was able to lead his team down the field, but the offense sputtered in the red zone thanks to some shit play-calling and a lack of protection for the Dolphins QB.
Dan Carpenter hit a 31-yard field goal to tie the game up.
But, because Luck wasn't finished setting the Miami secondary aflame, he led his team on a 13-play, 69 yard drive.
SHUTDOWN Smith had a chance to seal the game for Miami when the pass rush pressure finally got to Luck, forcing him to throw an errant pass. The ball went right into SHUTDOWN's chest. He catches it, and Miami has an easy chip-shot field goal and wins the game.
Instead, SHUTDOWN treated the football like it had been dipped in AIDS and let it drop to the ground. The Colts then kicked the go-ahead field goal.
The Dolphins still had time to march down the field and at least try a game-tying field goal.
Tannehill hit three different receivers. And then everything turned to a pile of deer shit.
Feeling the Colts pass rush, Tannehill threw too early and a pass sailed over Daniel Thomas' head. Then, on third down, center Mike Pouncey was called for an illegal procedure. Then Tannehill threw another pass 18-feet over his receiver's head. Then, on fourth down, Tannehill was taken down by the Colts' Cory Redding. Tannehill was able to hit Thomas, but Vagina Feet only got 14 yards when he needed 15.
Vagina Feet Gonna Vagina Feet.
Turnover on downs. Ballgame.
The good news is Tannehill remains the real deal. While Luck is the more gifted quarterback, we can at least say our own QB troubles are finally over.
Love the one you're with and all that.
The main problem isn't our QB. It's the rest of the team -- which seems to kick shitty teams' asses like there's no tomorrow, but then gets fucking mauled by good teams.
A cakewalk schedule and Tannehill's arrival have masked the fact that the Dolphins are still pretty much re-fried ass, and still have a long way to go.
The Dolphins take on the Titans next Sunday at SunLife Stadium. Kickoff is at 1:00 p.m.
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