BCS Championship: Why We're Not Rooting For Either Alabama or Notre Dame Tonight

The BCS title game is happening tonight. And there is not one single, solitary fuck we give about it. 

Because, as it turns out, the Football Gods deemed it necessary that two of South Florida's most reviled college teams should be playing for all the marbles in our own back yard. The Alabama Crimson Tide and Notre Dame Fighting Irish are playing for college football supremacy at Sun Life Stadium. All that's left is for the Gators to somehow be involved to make it a perfect bouillabaisse of football shit.

There are many reasons why we hate both the Crimson Tide and Notre Dame. 

But here are specific reasons why, instead of rooting for one team to beat the other, we're actually rooting for the earth to swallow both teams up into a dark chasm of nothingness (and their fans too):

The National Media Loves to Fap Over Notre Dame: For years and years, the national media -- led by the likes of ESPN and, of course, NBC -- have tried to cram down our faces that no other team in college football is filled with rich sacred history like Notre Dame. Look at those golden helmets! Jesus watches over their games! Rudy! Fuck Notre Dame and fuck their manufactured, unearned condescending bullshit and the media driving this dumbass narrative. The only reason Notre Dame is still relevant is because most of the country hates them for this very reason.

A Crimson Tide Coach Once Got Fired After Being Caught With A Hooker: Mike Price was hired to be Alabama's coach in 2003. It was his dream job. But Price never got to coach a single game after he was caught with a stripper named Destiny in a Pensacola hotel room. Not only did Price pay a lady to have sex with him, but he actually let her hang around in his room while he went to play at a golf tournament the next morning. Destiny ordered a thousand dollars worth of room service while Price was away. He was found out, and then promptly fired. Herp derp.

Notre Dame Has A Long Line of Douchebag Former Players: It all starts with douchebag Rudy, who was just some obnoxious asshole who was able to finagle his way onto the team by being an obnoxious asshole, and then who spent his entire life milking the shit out the two or three minutes he spent on the field. Then there's douchebag Ron Powlus, who was touted by the media as the Next Big Thing, even while his college career turned to shit before America's eyes. While barely in high school, douchebag quarterback Jimmie Clausen was once the topic of an ESPN report talking about how amazeballs this kid was going to be. So it made perfect sense that a player overrated by the media would sign with a program that was equally overrated by the media. Like Powlus before him, Clausen's college (and pro) career was a complete and utter fucking failure. Joe Thiesman also played for Notre Dame, and, in typical douchey Notre Dame player fashion, changed the pronunciation of his name so it could rhyme with "Heisman." He didn't win the Heisman, but kept the pronunciation. Because he's a douchebag.

Alabama's Mascot and Name Make No Goddamn Sense: Alabama's mascot is an elephant. Their name is The Crimson Tide. Neither of these things makes any fucking sense. Apparently, some sports writer in the 1930s described the players as elephants, and so the name stuck, which is not only lazy but exactly what you would expect from Backwater Goober U. The Crimson Tide name apparently was also from an old sports writer who covered the team during a game where the field was played on red mud when players wore leather helmets and no blacks were allowed to play or be anywhere near the stadium. So basically, Alabama's name and mascot are based on people saying random shit about their team, and everyone else being too fucking lazy and stupid to change it.

George: Well Wilber, Monty sayed ahwer players look like dag gum elephaants, so why nawt make that ahwer mascot?

Wilber: *spits out tobacco* Nerrderrmerr Nyerrhmerr Hnerr.

George: Okey theyn. A Elephaant it is.

The Whole Catholics vs. Convicts Thing: The famous 1988 game between Notre Dame and the University if Miami was dubbed this after some Notre Dame fans, filled with the typical Fightin' Irish pretentiousness mixed with a tinge of racism, made some shirts with the Catholics vs. Convicts slogan on them. The press had a field day with it, because Notre Dame is the bastion of football excellence and tradition, while the U is filled with players who grew up in places like Liberty City, which naturally made them convicted criminals. Even then-Notre Dame head coach Lou Holtz got in on the fun when he famously quipped that the slogan was inaccurate because a lot of his players aren't Catholics. Get it? It's funny because it not-so-subtly implies that Miami's players really are convicted felons! Good one, Sylvester the Cat!

Alabama Has A Long Rich History of Being Racist Assholes: From the earliest faculty members owning slaves, to coach Bear Bryant refusing to recruit black players, to George Wallace's infamous Stand In The Schoolhouse Door incident in an attempt to keep black students from registering for classes per his promise of "segregation now, tomorrow and forever," the University of Alabama has pretty much been the alma matter for racist assholes. Even recently, the university made some news when some racist asshole said racist asshole things to a black student. This led to the racist student being disciplined, which led to some other anonymous racist asshole writing racist asshole things on a campus wall with chalk. To this day, Bama's Greek-letter social organizations remain segregated. Steely Dan knew well what they spoke of when they wrote that the Crimson Tide were "cracker assholes with a grandiose name," in their song Deacon Blues. Because the Crimson Tide has a long rich history of being really, really, ridiculously racist assholes.

Touchdown Jesus: It's really the ultimate symbol of pretentiousness and douche. It's not enough that these shitdicks have to have gold helmets. No, they need a giant fucking painting of Jesus Christ looking over their home games every week to remind the opponent and the football watching nation that they were going straight to hell for not being Catholic, and for not rooting for the Fighting Irish. Also for not sucking Knute Rockne's dick like everyone else.

Nick Saban: This dipshit is the most hated man in all of South Florida sports. And for good reason. Not only did he choose Daunte Culpepper over Drew Brees to quarterback our beloved Miami Dolphins -- thus sending them further into a spiral of never ending suck -- he continuously blames the Dolphins medical staff over the decision -- as if he had final say over every little thing that happened on the team, except for choosing the most important player. And, even with that, he insists that he left the team in "good shape." Saban also left a legacy of being a total and complete dick with the Fins and its staff. One story has it that a secretary once complimented his hair cut, and Saban responded by having someone tell her to never address him personally. Another incident includes Saban losing his shit over a member of his staff misplacing his Little Debbie snack cakes. Also, his daughter was sued last year for beating up one of her sorority sisters, because the dipshit apple does not fall far from the dipshit tree. Saban famously lied to everyone and then skipped out the back door to coach Alabama when he realized his magic touch didn't extend to the pro level. And by "magic touch," we mean, "not being able to yell at and bully professional players like he does kids fresh out of high school." Super Genius? More like Super Cock.

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