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"Beerfest"?? Leaked Emails Reveal Media Conspiracy to Intoxicate Fort Lauderdale

>>> Thomas Francis 4/15/2009 4:36 PM >>>
Hi Whittney,
Let me start by saying that you're doing a terrific job as the Beerfrau of Beerfest. Not an official title, I know; but certainly more fun than "Marketing Manager." I am excited about Saturday night's soiree, and I think Juice readers should be, too. So I'd like to tell them about it.

Problem is, that means writing a blog post about it, which is "work." To be avoided at all costs. I'd rather fritter away my day writing emails to co-workers.

I suppose this is an insensitive point to make on this, the hardest-working week of your year. It's just that while procrastinating an idea hit me: I would like to invite you to have a direct interaction with Juice readers about Beerfest. I can e-mail you questions that I think Juice readers might have. You will respond, despite having more important things to do. And then to minimize the labor on my end, I will at our conversation's conclusion simply cut and paste our emailed correspondence into a blog post, starting with this message.

If you are amenable to this -- and I would caution you to check the terms of your employment contract before answering -- then I'll give you my first question. The one that is chief concern to me and perhaps to Juice readers: Given the small, shot-glass volume of the cups distributed for samples of beer, plus the popularity of this event, by what means can one most quickly acquire his beer buzz?

>>> Whittney Laws 4/15/2009 4:48 PM >>>

To most efficiently acquire the beer buzz I would suggest going online to NewTimesBeerfest.com (or click that flashing banner on the right of your screen)
and purchase your tickets online. This will enable you to skip all lines and have your bar code in hand with ID readily available at 7 pm SHARP when gates open. This is the best way if you are looking to save $5 bucks and reach the beer buzz level without the fashionably late crowd.

If you need a little liquor in your life, or just want to speed up the process I would get the VIP tickets before they run out. With these tickets you are basically asking for more than a
slight buzz. You have 4 hours of unlimited liquor (rum, vodka, tequila, the works), the higher premium beers, the original Paul & Young Ron's New Times Hectic Brew, and food from 11 restaurants. All included in the $50 price.

Hope this scratches your itch,

>>> Thomas Francis 4/15/2009 4:58 PM >>>
Thanks, Whittney. I expect to leave that VIP tent in a stretcher. I have other pressing questions about the event, but before I get to those I wonder whether you've had a chance to implement some of the ideas we discussed a few weeks ago?

You'll remember that I offered -- before you even asked -- to liveblog the event... LIVE! That is, to allow Beerfesters the chance to see the magical blogging process in living color. The fast typing, the occasional computer glitch, the giggling at my own jokes, and by way of crescendo, a hair-pulling, teeth-nashing nervous breakdown. The next big thing in performance art, I think.

Or do you prefer my idea for the Verbal Portrait Booth? That's the one where I use my trenchant wit and vast vocabulary to describe the flaws in the faces of volunteers, in exchange for their paying a small fee.

Two choices. No wrong answer. What'll it be?

>>> Whittney Laws 4/15/2009 5:48 PM >>>
Well, my answer will mostly benefit me... I would rather you live blog from the event, starting immediately at 7 pm. This would serve the same benefit as live streaming like BIG 105.9 is doing to promote and get the people who have obviously had their heads under a rock or two and missed all the hype from the event to come on out!

Although.. the latter option may make you a buck or two. What are you thinking of for the small fee? I may even set you up a table if you cut me in on the profits (shh, we won't tell)! Either way, let me know what you need... The important point I would like to make is that your wit and sarcasm are a necessity as our New Times Beerfest strides to be a home run!

>>> Thomas Francis 4/15/2009 6:07 PM >>>
Well, that may be true, Whittney. But that word "necessity" makes my eyelids so... heavy... I realize only now how very hard it would be to perform a liveblog AND to get plastered on several dozen varieties of alcohol. Of these two, liveblogging is the luxury we can least afford. I will, however, be glad to stroll through the crowd offering impromptu verbal portraits, at least as long I remain upright and verbally intelligible.

Back to the relevant questions: On a scale from Piece-of-Cake to Total Clusterfuck, what's the parking situation?

>>> Whittney Laws 4/15/2009 6:27 PM >>>
Honestly, getting there early will be the best bet. Maybe a little din din along Himmarshee or Riverfront. If you are a part of the late crew I'd lean toward clusterfuck! Unless of course you are smart, get the Beerfest rate at the Embassy Suites on 17th Street and take their free shuttle...

Oh and about the fact you cannot perform the live blog nor the portrait, why the hell did you ask my opinion then?! TEASE.

>>> Thomas Francis 4/15/2009 6:31 PM >>>
Uh, what's this? We've got a caller. With a question. Go ahead, caller.

"Hi Tom. First of all, great blog. I have a question, then I'll hang up and listen to the answer. I'm a Fort Lauderdale police officer who worked security at the City Link Beerfest. My check bounced and it was weeks and weeks before I got one that I could deposit. Now I'm signed up to work New Times Beerfest. If my check's going to bounce, I'd just as soon be paid with high-end liquor or with a truckload of low-grade beer. Can you guys let me know now? I might need to make room in my liquor cabinet or driveway."

Thanks for that call, officer. Whittney, why don't you take this one?

>>> Whittney Laws 4/16/2009 5:47 PM >>>
Well, the unique thing in this situation is that this will never happen. Each and every year for the past 11 years with this year being no different we pay the Fort Lauderdale Police on site at the end of the event.

I already have 90% of checks cut and ready to pay the wonderful who help me put this monster together. Hope that answers it, go grocery shopping at your leisure my friend!

>>> Thomas Francis 4/16/2009 5:36 PM >>>
All right, Whittney. Last question. This one's for the people in the audience who are dating. Is Beerfest better for taking a first date? Or a last date? I have my own ideas on this one, but I'd like a female's perspective.

>>> Whittney Laws 4/16/2009 6:17 PM >>>
Well I think your answer is in your question. If you bring a date to Beerfest and they don't have a good time, its a great time for a first and last date.

It is obviously a great first date to get to know someone. You can figure out some key facts at an event like this: how they can hold their booze (always important in my circle of friends), how the person can interact with your friends, or vice versa if you want to interact with their friends and so important couples that play together stay together (cheesy, I know but OH SO TRUE). If you can't go out and have a good time, I am back to making Beerfest your first and LAST.

I also have to say it is a GREAT last date location, what better way to break up than to get shit faced, piss off the person you came with and find someone better in the crowd! You could also get shit-faced and piss on the person you came with, this will equally do the trick....that's my female opinion. What were your ideas my friend?

>>> Thomas Francis 4/16/2009 6:36 PM >>>
My opinion: Way too much chaos for a first date. Three months of dating, minimum. When you're mixing that many varieties of alcohol, you want to be in a Judgment Free Zone. But it's ideal for a last date, too, if only because you can "throw the game," so to speak. Get completely pie-eyed, make some bizarre, startling confessions, and just watch her (or him) run.

But actually, kind of a trick question. Single's the way to roll, because with all those beer goggles, there's gonna be hook-ups galore. To think of all the accidental families that may trace their roots to our little fiesta... On that bittersweet note, let's wrap this up. Big, big thanks to New Times Alcohol Maestro Whittney Laws for writing half this blog for me, and for any reader who made it to the end of this sprawling post. Each of you has earned a free drink from me. To redeem that prize, simply find me Saturday night in the VIP tent, then prove to me your reading endurance by mentioning the final word of this post. The brand name of my favorite beer: Leinenkugel.

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Thomas Francis

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