Broward News

Broward County Name Change: Eight Options That Are Way Better

This week, Broward County commissioners will debate whether the county should change its name.

Comissioner Chip LaMarca is behind the idea, and bothered that no one outside of Florida has heard of Broward (unless they accidentally Google: weather in hollywood, and our Hollywood popped up).

We agree with LaMarca.

The name must change. Though his suggestion -- Lauderdale County -- puts us to sleep.

If LaMarca wants buzz, let's actually draw attention to Broward County's venerable ethos.

Here are eight better ideas:

We'll-Take-Your-Old-People County
Come one, come all! We have golf courses aplenty, non-threatening beaches, and orange juice - oh, the orange juice. It flows, we tell you, it flows. Already, 16 percent of the county is 65 or older, Wikipedia tells us, but that middling figure belies the truth. Old people run this county with a iron fist wrought from hours contemplating the Weather Chanel and Fox News.

"Dude, Las Olas last night was tits!"
"That place is sick. Big City Tavern is chill."
"Yeah, bro-haim, I got wasted there on New Years Eve. And check it, while I was scarfing a roast beef combo at Pita Pit, I had my New Year's Eve resolution."
"What's that?"
"Fuck. More. Bitches."
"That's how we do it BroCo, Bro!"

Blame Us For Bush County
Dimpled chads, anyone? Oh yea. That was us! And all it got the rest of the nation was eight years of unmitigated disaster, two wars, a blown up economy, and color-coded terror warnings. It also gave people fresh new material to make fun of Florida with. YOU'RE WELCOME, AMERICA!

Wasted Spring Breakers County
Clogged roadways filled with douchey privileged college bros drinking Smirnoff Ice and puking all over the A1A sidewalks for a whole week? Awww yea. Suck on THAT, Daytona!

The Other Hollywood County
Yes, we know. Tourists, we've heard. In this land, another realm called Hollywood doth exist. And yes, they're all like, "We have models, movies, and drug-addled people who actually are talented!" But then we're all like, "Do you have the Pride of the Seminole Nation at your doorstep?" On the Res 4 life, motherfuckaaaahhhhh.

Burnout County
There are few places in the United States that have such a powerful, metaphysicial pull on the nation's washed-up. They come for beaches, but not hassles. Palm Beach County -- who's got money for that? Miami -- no hablo espanol, Pedro. You know who we're talking about. Long scraggly hair. Too much cocaine/marijuana/opium/smack/bath salts in the past. Prowling the Hollywood Boardwalk, probably selling shit no one in existence needs.

Hey! Marilyn Manson Grew Up Here! County
The goth icon spent his childhood here. And, as you can see, nothing inspires the dark subculture of the undead quite like Butterfly World and the Festival Flea Market!

Our Congresswoman Has More Balls Than Your Congressman County
She pulls no punches. She attacks with a smile. She once pissed off Allen West so bad he called her a vile person. President Obama loves her. She's Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Shultz. And her balls are bigger than your congressman's, punk!

This collection of internet comedy gold was a joint effort by New Times staffers Chris Joseph and Terrence McCoy.

Follow Chris Joseph on Twitter.

Follow Terrence McCoy on Twitter.

Artwork by Alex Izaguirre

KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Chris Joseph
Contact: Chris Joseph