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Broward's Best (Worst) Local Commercials

Commercials can be frustrating. A giant corporation spends millions of dollars to take up 30 seconds of your life and, more often than not, leaves you saying this is the best we can do. I mean, I'm a peaceful person, but if I ever see the Geico lizard walking down the street, I will kick him like a soccer ball.

Now, local commercials, that's a different story. A small business scraping together some cash and going low-budget on your ass. There's honor in that.

Unfortunately some of them are bad enough to make Don Draper stop drinking. But that's why we love them. Right? Here are some of Broward's best (worst) local commercials to keep you smiling that confused smile.

See also: Commercial Jingles From Your South Florida Childhood That Will Stay With You FOREVER

Is that Regis Philbin?

Hospitals are great. And Regis Philbin is great. So, together they should be super great. Right?

Not necessarily. Two great things don't always combine to make more greatness. Example: Maya Angelou and whiskey. Separately, they are two great things, but the last time they got together, Oprah Winfrey got a black eye (allegedly).

However, Reeg does manage to do one incredible thing in this commercial. He starts a story with, "Years ago, I was an altar boy," and it doesn't end horrifically.

Blackfish besties.

We all remember this commercial for Miami Seaquarium. But have you seen this one?

Come make friends at Miami Seaquarium? You want me to be friends with a killer whale? What's wrong with you! Have you seen Blackfish yet?

Why would I want a friend who literally is always thinking about ways to kill me?

Gee, I'd sure like a friend who's been driven insane by a life of confinement and isolation. Me and my new buddy are gonna have so much fun while he slowly drowns me before taking his rows of white teeth to my genitals.

The cult of Ticktin.

I'm not sure what it is about this commercial that makes it so awkward. Is it the eerie silence? The fact that it was filmed in one of Dexter's abandoned kill rooms? The way those poor lawyers are lined up like a children's choir? And why, as the camera pans from right to left, does everyone's face go from morning news anchor to Tommy Lee Jones realizing he just poured expired milk into his cereal? What have those people on the left seen?

These questions will likely remain unanswered. But one thing is for sure: I want that man on my side if I ever go to court.

Auto-tune the sadness. You can't make something good just by auto-tuning it (looking at you, T-Pain), especially a flea market. Flea markets aren't supposed to be jolly places where you buy pink boots and cake. Flea markets are where you go to buy used socks and bongs shaped like Mickey Mouse.

But, I guess that stuff doesn't auto-tune too well.

The surrealist's fair. This commercial for the South Florida Fair is a lot like the rides you'll find at the South Florida Fair. It's disorienting and was probably supervised by a stoned dude named Crunch.

I don't even know how to break this one down. It's like a Dalí painting. Are those dead Boy Scouts that pop into frame at 0:04?

And just what the hell did those ladies at 0:25 do to win those awards? (I'm assuming the one in the middle won a Hoda Kotb look alike contest).

I don't know what this crap is all about, but you can bet your funnel cakes that I'll be at that fair next year.

Closer to a green screen! Look, I'm all for green screens if you're trying to make it look like you're in, say, Syria. But why are you using a green screen to make it look like you're in Broward College. You are Broward College!

It literally couldn't be easier for you to shoot on location. You are the location. It has got to be harder for you to use a green screen than it would be to actually film inside Broward College.

Come on, guys. Not very smart.

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Ryan Pfeffer is Miami New Times’ music editor. After earning a BS in editing, writing, and media from Florida State University, Ryan joined the New Times staff in November 2013 as a web editor, where he coined the phrase "pee-tweet" (to retweet someone while urinating). Born and raised in Fort Lauderdale, he’s now neck-deep in bass and booty in the 305.
Contact: Ryan Pfeffer

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