Carlos Gimenez, Al Lamberti, and Alligator Gods Conspire Against Duke Basketball

The local personalities, egos, and public figures who swung through the news cycle this week, ranked by New Times' crack research department using a highly scientific algorithm. (i.e., "Is that a rhino in the Magic Eye? Can you see the rhino? No, not a kiwi, a rhino. Just give me the damned vaporizer again, then.")

5. Alligator gods
Apparently, these are the go-to deities when you need to get rid of evidence in the Everglades. In what is one of the weirdest crime cases to fill up the recent police blotter, two men from Volusia County are currently on trial in Broward for the murder of Lorraine Hatzakorzian. After dismembering their victim and dumping the remains, each day they prayed to alligator gods that the body wouldn't be found.

4. Miami-Dade Mayor Carlos Giménez
A Broward versus Miami-Dade prime-time fight was bound to happen again someday, but could the Dolphins training facility spark open hostilities? Ground war? Politico beef? The team is squeezing every municipality in sight for a new stadium, and this week Giménez made it perfectly clear that if Broward doesn't pony up, it shouldn't enjoy any of the benefits trickling out of the team. Translation: The Dolphins training facility, now in Davie, should be in Miami if Miami is paying the stadium bills.

3. Ex-Sheriff Al Lamberti
This guy really should give a master's class in sticking it to your campaign rival once the whistle blows on the election. Yeah, Lamberti had to clear out his office, but before going, he secured hefty exit packages for his top brass for time off and other benefits. The total hit somewhere around $4.3 million, dime the newly elected Sheriff Scott Israel is forced to fork over. Lamberti says the new team knew about the payments before taking control, but that isn't stopping the Israel camp from bashing its vanquished rival one more time. Who do you call bullshit on here? Lamberti for securing the goods? Or Israel for making an issue out of common procedure? Bullshit on both your houses.

2. University of Miami's Basketball
No doubt infused with the All-Righteous power visited on fitting vessels from the Forces Up On High locked in eternal struggle against the devil spawn rite that is Duke basketball, the Canes pulled out an impressive dismantling of the country's number-one-ranked team this week, 90-63. The win also put the team in the top 25 ranking for the first time all season.

1. Andre "Loki Boy" Barbos
All the wannabe ballers filling South Florida to capacity could really take some notes from this guy. The 23-year-old just decided to post up inside an empty Boca Raton McMansion -- neighbors, Bank of America, cops all be damned. Funny thing is, Loki Boy is within his rights to bogart the $2.5 million spread due to some legal loopholes. What's up in the air is whether Barbosa's squat is in the name of some Occupy politics or just plain ol' balls. Either/or, we've decided to move the New Times offices into an abandoned Boca mansion just up the road.

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