Warren Thomas Michael was crazy trashed when Fleming Island police pulled him over.
When the cop said the requisite "License and registration, please," Michael handed the officer a squirrel.
According to the arrest report, a witness driving on Highway 17 in Fleming Island called police after they saw the 23-year-old Michael swerving in and out of lanes.
When authorities caught up to him, Michael drifted over to the center lane, crashed into a car, and then kept going, police say.
Cops finally got Michael to pull over. When they asked him for his license, Michael lowered his window and showed the cop a squirrel burrowed in his shirt.
Michael then told police that the squirrel was eating him, which probably means this dude consumed a little more than just a beer or two.
"Upon contact with the defendant, he immediately told me he had a squirrel eating him," the arresting officer said in a report.
Michael was reportedly so ripped, he couldn't keep it together, dividing his attention between looking for the items requested by police and answering their questions about his name and date of birth.
My name... uh... how old am I? SQUIRREL, bro.
That's when the cop uttered the most awesome words ever written on a police report: "I had the defendant secure the squirrel and then exit the vehicle."
Sir, put down the rodent and step out of the car!
Michael was put through several field sobriety tests, which seems kind of redundant considering how he pretty much failed any test of sobriety when he handed the cop a wild animal that he claimed was eating him when asked for his license.
Michael was charged with driving a vehicle under the influence of alcoholic beverages and/or a controlled substance. He was transported to the Clay County Jail.
According to the report, his car and the squirrel were released to his girlfriend. No, really.
It was not clear if the squirrel was alive or dead or if, perhaps, he was the one driving all along and this whole thing was a ruse to fool police.