Humor

Crystal Metheney, Edward Cocaine, Brittany Boozel Are Real Florida Names

Ladies and gentlemen, allows us to introduce you to Ms. Crystal Metheney.

You didn't read that wrong. Your mind isn't screwing around with you. This woman from Polk County has the perfect Florida name. She was arrested back in early May. The charge: shooting a "missile" into a "occupied vehicle." The 36-year-old bonded out for the charge the next day. Which is perfect. That means she's free to meet Edward Cocaine on a blind date.

See also: Florida Man Named Cocaine Has Drug Charges Dropped

Florida, we have to get these two together.

This isn't Metheney's first run-in with law enforcement. She was busted by the Polk County Sheriff back in February 2012 on a drug charge. No, no, we know what you're thinking. But she wasn't caught with Crystal Meth. That would have been too perfect. Crystal Metheney was hit with marijuana possession.

As we mentioned, in the great pantheon of Floriderp names, we've already seen a guy named Edward Cocaine. We've also got a Brittany Boozel. But Metheney reigns supreme here. To be fair to Mr. and Mrs. Metheney, when Crystal was a kid, they likely had no idea that their daughter's name would one day be street shorthand for the quick-killing drug that's eating through rural America. Your name -- you're stuck with it.



KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Kyle Swenson
Contact: Kyle Swenson