Crystal Metheney, Edward Cocaine, Brittany Boozel Are Real Florida Names

Ladies and gentlemen, allows us to introduce you to Ms. Crystal Metheney. You didn't read that wrong. Your mind isn't screwing around with you. This woman from Polk County has the perfect Florida name. She was arrested back in early May. The charge: shooting a "missile" into a "occupied vehicle."...

By Kyle Swenson

June 11, 2014

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Ladies and gentlemen, allows us to introduce you to Ms. Crystal Metheney.

You didn't read that wrong. Your mind isn't screwing around with you. This woman from Polk County has the perfect Florida name. She was arrested back in early May. The charge: shooting a "missile" into a "occupied vehicle." The 36-year-old bonded out for the charge the next day. Which is perfect. That means she's free to meet Edward Cocaine on a blind date.

Florida, we have to get these two together.

This isn't Metheney's first run-in with law enforcement. She was busted by the Polk County Sheriff back in February 2012 on a drug charge. No, no, we know what you're thinking. But she wasn't caught with Crystal Meth. That would have been too perfect. Crystal Metheney was hit with marijuana possession.

As we mentioned, in the great pantheon of Floriderp names, we've already seen a guy named Edward Cocaine. We've also got a Brittany Boozel. But Metheney reigns supreme here. To be fair to Mr. and Mrs. Metheney, when Crystal was a kid, they likely had no idea that their daughter's name would one day be street shorthand for the quick-killing drug that's eating through rural America. Your name -- you're stuck with it.

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