Dan Marino Reports: Smoking Trial Goes Out, UF Admissions Blows, Killer Lighters | The Daily Pulp | South Florida | Broward Palm Beach New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida

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Dan Marino Reports: Smoking Trial Goes Out, UF Admissions Blows, Killer Lighters

Dan Marino has ninja problems.

Dan Marino Says: Mistrial Declared in Tobacco Case

A Broward County judge has declared a mistrial in the tobacco lawsuit filed against Philip Morris by the widow of a guy from Cooper City. That's the big news this morning, at least according to The Juice's news partner, Dan Marino.

Now, as a bit of an explanation, it occurred to me recently that every newspaper worth its weight in dead trees has itself a news partner -- you know, a website or a TV station that feeds its news. The Juice isn't exactly all highfalutin, like, say, the Sunny Isles Beach Sun. So I found our news partner sleeping in front of the Elbo Room this morning. When asked his name, he said simply, "the real Dan Marino."

So I asked The Juice News Partner Dan Marino to explain a bit more about the tobacco case, and he picked up the paper he had been sleeping on this morning. He explained that a racial slur uttered by one of the experts in the case forced the judge to declare a mistrial, fearing that the jurors' delicate sensibilites could be harmed by hearing a word required, now by law, to be used in every rap song. The Juice News Partner Dan Marino summed up the judge's mental state thusly: "The bitch got crack rock in her pipe."

After the jump, Dan Marino fights leftover stains to continue reporting the news.

Only a select few get to kiss a six-foot reptile

UF Tough to Get In, Covered in Massaman Curry

The University of Florida has become so selective that parents are pissed off that their kids can't get in. That's the day's second-biggest story, The Juice News Partner Dan Marino reports. Only about a third of those who apply to UF get in, he read from the paper that he had balled into a pillow. Unfortunately, that's about all I know about that story, because The Juice News Partner Dan Marino spilled somebody's leftover Thai food on the rest of the article.

However, he said he "knew exactly" what the rest of the story entailed, which he claimed had something to do with a chemical put into the soup at Cheesecake Factory that was making "us all stupid." Now I should probably point out that the Cheesecake Factory actually has a quite excellent wild mushroom soup that, as far as I can tell, has not made me stupid.

Lighters Can Kill, According to TV at Hooters

The third-biggest story is one that Dan Marino watched on the TV at Hooters while he panhandled outside of Beach Place yesterday. It's an I-Team investigation from Channel 4, which has learned that toy-looking lighters could kill us all. Here's an exerpt I found on Channel 4's website:

They are adorable looking...a menagerie of animals including rubber duckies, elephants, even a dalmation wearing a fire hat. But a concerned Lt. Elkin knows that a "button" often difficult to find on the lighter, when pushed can lead to disaster, as a flame, in some cases more than an inch long, shoots out.
Now you might be wondering how an inch-long flame could actually do damage when all you have to do is stop pressing the lighter's button and, you know, the flame stops being an inch long. But this is where Dan Marino tied things nicely back to a previous story. "It's the fucking Cheesecake Factory soup," he yelled, mostly at passing motorists on A1A.

C3PO Says N-Word to get R2D2 to Stop Smoking

For today's news reenactment, R2 plays the part of the Cooper City guy who died from smoking cigarettes. C3P0 is playing the part of the expert who caused the mistrial. Just imagine that, at the end of this commercial, that instead of saying "Don't Smoke" he blurts out the n-word.

-- Eric Barton

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Eric Barton
Contact: Eric Barton

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