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Dear Federal Court: Please Help Florida Suppress the Vote

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To: U.S. District Court
From: Florida Secretary of State Kurt Browning

We're having a small problem with voting down here in Florida. In May, our Legislature passed some brilliant new requirements designed to crack down on unnecessary voters -- specifically, people who are poor, move around a lot, and might possibly have brownish skin. We're not racist or anything; we're just afraid these folks would lynch us at the polls if they were allowed to fill out ballots.

There's nothing sinister about the new rules. They make it tougher for get-out-the-vote

groups to register new voters, require folks to use a provisional ballot if they've moved from one county to another, and reduce the number of early voting days from 14 to eight. Sure, the Florida ACLU called this "a trifecta of voter suppression," but what do they know?

These rules would be perfectly reasonable, were it not for the pesky federal Voting Rights Act. That damned law is keeping us from enforcing the new rules in five counties -- including Tampa and Key West -- with a history of racial and ethnic discrimination.

Racism? Please. What do you think this is, some kind of cracker state? We live in the age of Obama. All racial discrimination magically disappeared when he was elected. We are totally evolved and um, tolerant now. Haven't you met U.S. Rep. Allen West?

So all I'm asking is that you get the feds off our backs. Times have changed. We don't need the Voting Rights Act. We've got denial.

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