Dear Women of Florida,
As your governor, I feel obliged to write/tweet/robocall you individually to explain the new law I signed requiring you to undergo an ultrasound before having an abortion.
First, I must admit that I've never had an ultrasound myself. No, I've never experienced the unique pleasure of having cold, slimy jelly spread over my stomach while a stranger violates me with a phallic medical implement.
However, as the former CEO of a major health insurance company, I can assure you that ultrasounds are good for business and therefore good for Florida.
I realize, of course, that an ultrasound is not medically necessary before a first-trimester abortion. It could also be expensive. But we, your elected officials, want you to have one anyway. Because frankly, ladies, we don't trust you.
Everyone knows women can't be trusted to make decisions about their own bodies. Especially not poor women or -- heaven help us -- registered Democrats.
Of course, if you can prove that you're a rape or incest victim or you have a real, medical reason for needing an abortion, then don't worry -- your doctor won't graphically describe the fetus to you. Just show him a police report and everything will be cool.
If your boss or your dad or your third cousin happens to be the rapist and you're too scared to mention that the sex was forced, I'm sorry, ma'am, but you're out of luck. You still must have the ultrasound and will need to sign a waiver saying you don't want to see or hear about it. And of course, you'll have to pay for it.
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But ladies, please understand. I signed this law for your own good. I'm the governor who defends privacy rights for people buying Oxycontin! I know what's best for you.
Rest assured, if you decide to skip the abortion and put the child up for adoption, the Florida Department of Children and Families will be happy to allow the child to get lost in the foster care system.
So good luck, ladies! And thanks for your vote.
Gov. Rick Scott