The last time we saw the Miami Dolphins, they were busy getting clubbed in the face with a frozen chicken at the hands of the Tennessee Titans.
So then, with only a few days to prepare for the Buffalo Bills, the Fins had to pick their teeth off the floor and travel on up to the icy craphole they call Buffalo and try to not suck so bad against the Bills on Thursday Night Football.
In the meantime, Joe Philbin took the blame for the Titans debacle, and Reggie Bush said he didn't want to see female Bills fans take off their shirts because they're kinda gross when you think about it.
We're not going to get into this, but we will say that taut, tanned, and perky beats pale, flabby, and floppy. We could be talking about anything there. Doesn't have to be about Buffalo women (but it's totally about Buffalo women). Anyway... Onward!...
Aside from Bush shielding his eyes from the flaccid whiteness that is Buffalo women's breasts (according to him, anyway), he has to get himself going against the Bills defense tonight. His production has decreased over the past few weeks (of course, it didn't help that Philbin benched him for an entire half last week), and he remains the key to any success the Fins can hope to get.
We say this every week, because we hope that someone on Miami's staff will fucking read it: Feed Reggie the ball early and often. He's the Dolphins' best chance to get things rolling.
Also, you know who coaches the Bills defense? Dave Wannstedt! Sure he hasn't been Miami's coach in, like, eight years, but revenge games have no expiration date. That dude fucked this franchise real good. IT'S PAYBACK TIME.
Meanwhile, Ryan Tannehill needs to bounce back.
Tannehill is coming off his worst game as a pro. We know this because we were forced to start Tannehill on our fantasy team last week because our regular QB was on a bye week. Tannehill ended up throwing three interceptions -- one which was returned for a touchdown -- and managed to score -4 fantasy points. This means we were better off not doing anything and letting our bye-week quarterback stay in the lineup with his zero points. Bye weeks are ass.
Anyway, the Bills have a crappy pass rush, which should benefit Tannehill, since his offensive line has been putrid lately.
Could Tannehill be hitting the rookie wall? We'd like to think so, because open-ended sports questions are fun! But we just think it's been a matter of his offensive line not being very good and his receiving corps being a bag of shit. Buffalo's defense just might be the cure for what ails this offense.
Last week, the Dolphins' defense got shredded by Chris Johnson, and this week, it plays an equally shifty and stupid-fast runner in C.J. Spiller.
Spiller has been averaging seven yards a carry and now will be called on to take the bulk of the snaps with starter Fred Jackson being out with an injury.
And then there's Bills QB Ryan Fitzpatrick, who can blow your team to smithereens or throw four interceptions in one quarter. The question is: Which Fitzpatrick will show up?
The trick, as with most NFL quarterbacks, is to pressure him. All the Dolphins need is for Cameron Wake and company to get in Fitzpatrick's face. And it doesn't even have to be crazy in-your-face pressure. Just a little will do. The slightest amount of pressure causes Fitzpatrick to throw the football like he thinks he found a neat furry pillow and then someone just told him it's actually a dead cat carcass.
Pressure that bearded asshole!
The x factor to this game will be, of course, the weather. Buffalo is cold as balls this time of year (Haha! Just kidding. It's actually cold as balls all year long.) And seeing how this is a Thursday-night game -- and, if you haven't been keeping up, Thursday-night games have been SHIT -- tonight's festivities should be a very low scoring, ass of a game.
Expect a sloppy, messy game from both sides. Add two middling teams with a serious lack of star players and you got this mountain of shit of a game.
With all that said, Go Fins. Beat Buffalo and get out of there before your dicks get frostbitten. That seems like it wouldn't be pleasant.
Prediction Machine*: Dolphins 20 - Bills 17
*not so much a prediction machine as a number we come up with to tie a bow on these previews.
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