Dolphins Crush Jaguars 24-3, Still Not Going to the Playoffs

It's always nice to walk away from watching a Dolphins game and not feel like you just fell down and punctured your scrotum with your car keys. Sunday's game against the visiting Jacksonville Jaguars was such a day.

Ryan Tannehill put together the best QB rating at 123.2, and completion percentage at 78.6 of his young career as he led the Fins to the 24-3 cockslap over ex-Dolphin Chad Henne's Jags.

It was the first time this season the Dolphins played four full quarters of dominant football. And it only took 14 games. And, at 2-11, the Jaguars are the worst team in all the NFL. But the Dolphins were finally able to exact vengeance from that 62-7 loss they were handed by Jacksonville in 1999!

The Jaguars offense, led by the return of The Robot, made a visit to the red zone four times on Sunday, and all four times were stopped by the Dolphins defense -- including a touchdown that was called back when a Jags offensive lineman failed to report as an eligible receiver, which is something the Dolphins would do but, on this day, the ineptitude belonged to Jacksonville.

*fist pump*

Meanwhile, receiver Brian Hartline went past 1,000 receiving yards for the first timein his career, making it the second time in a gazillion years a Dolphins receiver did that, and the first time a chipmunk achieved such a feat.

Also, it should be noted that Hartlne has one touchdown on the year. BUT A THOUSAND YARDS SMILES EVERYONE, SMILES!!

So now that the Dolphins defeated the undaunted 2-11 Jaguars, talk obviously turns to PLAYOFFS.

Because, believe it or not, the Dolphins are back in that hazy realm known as the Mathematically Alive scenario.

And here's what needs to happen for Miami to get in:

The Dolphins need to win their last two games (including the finale in New England), have the Jets lose two of their final three, the Bengals lose their remaining games, the Steelers lose to the Browns in Week 17, the Mayan Apocalypse has to happen at precisely 12:37 Mountain Time, Joe Philbin needs to defeat one of them boxing kangaroos in a twelve-round non-sanctioned fight, LeBron James needs to return to Cleveland, and Luke Skywalker needs to destroy the Deathstar not by using conventional weapons like torpedos from his X-wing spaceship, but by the Force, and the Miami Dolphins Foundation needs to collect approximately 12 tons of donated unicorn farts.


Now let's celebrate Meaningless Victory Monday with a song!


The Dolphins host the Buffalo Bills next week. Kickoff is at 1:00 p.m.

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Chris Joseph
Contact: Chris Joseph