Dolphins Fall to Patriots 23-16, Their Quest For a Fourth Straight Season of Nine Losses Draws Ever Closer

Just weeks before Christmas, the Miami Dolphins were supposed to pull another big win out of their collective asses to inch closer to an improbable post-season berth. 

Instead, they delivered a stocking full of turds in the form of a 23-16 loss to the New England Patriots.

There's plenty of blame to go around for Miami's playoff hopes going tits up. Mainly, though, the blame lies in the fact that this was never really a good team to begin with. 

Ryan Tannehill has shown an uncanny knack of being brilliant one moment and then being a total cocksock the next. His pedestrian line (186 yards) speaks of a QB who is still learning the subtle differences between kicking ass, and being ass. 

Twice on Sunday, he had Brian Hartline wide open for touchdowns. 

Twice he missed him.

Twice we all went from "OH YEAAA" to "AH SHITTITS!!!"

He under threw Hartline on one pass, and over threw him on another.

Tannehill has all the tools. He has a strong arm. He has a solid work ethic. He has a hot wife. But until he stops throwing interceptions and fumbling the ball away games like he did on Sunday, this will be the outcome. You can't beat the Patriots' of the world with fumbles and field goals.

But Tannehill isn't the only reason the Dolphins lost. 

This team is a grab-bag of mixed assholes. Big ones, little ones, red ones, green ones. Take your pick. 

Shove your hand into the asshole bag, and you'll come out with a reason for the loss:

The Asshole Running Game 

The Dolphins running game continues to unzip its pants and put its nutsack on our collective faces with stats like these: Reggie Bush, 64 yards on 15 carries. Daniel Thomas, 10 yards on 5 carries. For some reason, this coaching staff is enamored with Thomas. While Bush has yet to show the flash and kick-the-other-guy-square-in-the-penis flair he had earlier this season, he still remains the Dolphins best weapon on offense. He didn't look great against New England, but he managed to average 4.3 yards per carry. But, for some reason, the Dolphins love to throw Vagina Feet in there as a sort of change of pace back. Taking two steps and then falling down is not what a change of pace back is supposed to be doing. But the guy scores a touchdown a week ago and suddenly he's Emmit Fucking Smith.

Daniel Thomas is the turd that refuses to go down even after many flushes.

The Asshole Special Teams

Jimmy Wilson knows that putting pressure on the punter doesn't mean ramming into his nutsack face-first with one's helmet, yes? After Miami's defense forced the Patriots into a three-and-out, Wilson's plan to put pressure on Zoltan Mesko quickly turned into him slamming into the Patriots' punter's mid-section like he had called his momma something nasty. Wilson was called for the 15-yard penalty, giving the ball back to the Patriots.

Then the Patriots did that thing called "scoring a touchdown," and that was pretty much all they needed to keep the Dolphins flailing for the rest of the day.

The Asshole Tight Ends

Anthony Fasano and Charles Clay Wonder Twin Powers, Activate: Form of Two Tight Ends That Morph Into a Pile of Donkey Shit! It seems like every other NFL team has at least one tight end that their quarterback can use as a safety valve or a nice big endzone target. The Dolphins have neither of those things. Fasano had one catch for 14 yards. Clay had 2 for 26 yards. That's abysmal. Meanwhile, the Patriots have roughly 4,876 tight ends that have Pro Bowl potential. 

The Asshole Dolphins

It feels like the Dolphins have sucked for 25 years now.

Millions of dollars spent on an offensive line that is just a suit case of ass, middling draft picks that have yet to blossom into anything more than middling players, a receiving corps that has a combined three touchdowns in twelve games, and a coaching staff that keeps its best defensive player on the sidelines during the most crucial drive of the game.

Trying to figure why this team is constantly in this state of Suck is like trying to solve the Hodge Conjecture whilst simultaneously explaining the ending of No Country For Old Men.

Or, it's quite simple. 

We're in the midst of yet another seven loss season, while the Dolphins have the same general manager running things since the shitshow began when they decided to draft Jake Long over Matt Ryan in 2008.

But, no worries. There's just a few weeks remaining before we can concentrate on the Heat.

Until then, let's all wallow neck deep in the mediocrity.


Thanks a lot, assholes.

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Chris Joseph
Contact: Chris Joseph