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Dolphins Finish Winless in Preseason

In what is the least shocking news ever, the Miami Dolphins headed into Dallas yesterday and proceeded to get blasted in the face by a bazooka at the hands of the Cowboys to the tune of 30-13.

So now the 2012 Dolphins join the 1966 and 1989 teams that went winless in the preseason. And if you look it up, you'll find that those two years ended up being pretty craptacular seasons for the Dolphins.

And although the preseason is meaningless and generally has little bearing on how things turn out when the real games are played, the Dolphins have looked atrocious on pretty much every possession.

"Obviously, this is a disappointing loss," Coach Joe Philbin said afterward. "I just told the team I don't care if it's the fourth preseason game, the seventh regular-season game, or the Super Bowl -- that's unacceptable. A poorly coached game; the guys didn't play well."

But did any of the players say "FUCK" during the game? Because that's what really matters here.

As it has been for the past three or four or a thousand years, kicker Dan Carpenter remains Miami's offensive MVP. Carpenter kicked a preseason-best 53-yard field goal and recovered a fumble during a Dallas kickoff return.

As for the rest of the offense, the first-teamers managed to score a combined one TD in the first two quarters of the four preseason games. The defense has allowed 63 points in that span.

So now as the team looks to make more roster cuts in preparations for next week's season opener in Houston, expectations are at an all-time low.

Remember when the approaching of Dolphins season felt like Christmas morning? You'd open your present and it'd be a box of playoff games and hope.

Now all we're getting is an old coffee can with assholes inside it.

That's what this team has become. Canned ass.

Better find something better to do on Sundays, Fins fans. It's gonna be a long season.

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Chris Joseph
Contact: Chris Joseph

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