Well, that went exactly as one would have expected things to go.
The Miami Dolphins headed into Houston for Sunday's opening game of the 2012 NFL season and promptly got their assholes blown apart by the Texans in a 30-10 beatdown.
The encouraging thing was that rookie quarterback Ryan Tannehill wasn't entirely awful. He finished the game going 20 for 36 for 219 yards, which isn't too shabby (it's a sliding Cleo Lemon scale).
Unfortunately, he also threw three interceptions and had his passes batted at the line of scrimmage a shitload of times. But hey, he didn't die, so there's a feather in our caps!
Tannehill seemed to have a grasp of things early on, hitting receivers in stride, using his mobility to get the fuck away from oncoming linebackers, and leading the Dolphins to an early 3-0 lead, which may not sound like much, but IT'S HOW WE FUCKING ROLL, BRO.
But the growing pains came fast and furious, particularly in the final seven and a half minutes of the first half, when Tannehill and the Dolphins went back to doing that thing where they play like a horse's penis.
Let's break down the meltdown:
-- 7:35 remaining: Tannehill looked right at receiver Legedu Naanee, sent him a text message that read "I'M SO THROWING IT TO YOU AND ONLY YOU RIGHT NOW LOL :))", held up a sign with an arrow that pointed at Naanee, sent over Naanne one of those giant phony checks with balloons and streamers and a guy with a microphone that asked Naanee, "How does it feel to be the guy catching this next pass?" Houston cornerback Johnathan Joseph noticed these things and jumped the route, shockingly intercepting the ball in Dolphins territory.
-- 4:06 remaining: On third-and-long from the Houston 44, the Texans' J.J. Watts jumped up and ate the football as it left Tannehill's hands.
Watt deflected the pass into Brian Cushing's hands. This would prove to be a trend.
-- 1:44 remaining: Watt again deflected Tannehill's pass, this time into Kareem Jackson's hands. EVERYONE FEASTS TODAY.
Some people are pointing out that Tannehill needs time to develop and these are rookie mistakes. But the getting the ball batted at the line of scrimmage thing is not some flukey shit that happened to our rookie QB. Tannehill had the same problems in college. For some reason, he just throws it and defensive linemen knock the shit out of it. And it's not like Tannehill's a short dude. It's just that, this is the kind of assfuck that can happen only to the Miami Dolphins.
So expect more batted balls in the air in the coming weeks. Balls flying all over people's faces is nothing new for this shit team.
-- 0:43 left remaining: Running back Daniel Thomas got cocksmaked in the face by Glover Quin and fumbled the ball. The Texans recovered and eventually scored. (In a shocking twist, Thomas left the game with an injury and never returned.)
And just like that, the Dolphins' 3-0 lead turned into a 24-3 deficit.
We know it's an awesome feeling when football starts up again. Fresh start. New season. New hope. It's all very awesome, indeed.
But the Dolphins are the opposite of awesome in every conceivable way possible. And have been going on for more than a decade now.
To have expected any less from this warm cup of old-man shit team was, in a word, stupid.
Miami was winless in preseason, came into this game with a shitty offensive line and a receiving corps made up of Davone Bess, a character from the cantina in Star Wars, and a chipmunk. The defense did the usual bend but don't break but when you do break, break like a public bathroom stall with explosive diarrhea sprayed all over the wall.
It's an abysmal football team with no talent, no clue, and no hope. A gaping maw of infinite bags of cat shit and putridness and awfulness that has been ongoing year after year after year.
Brand-new season. Same old shit.
The pain and misery continues next week when Miami hosts the Oakland Raiders at Sun Life Stadium. Kickoff is at 1 p.m.