Dolphins Lose to Bills; All Hope Is Lost

Well, the good news is: You're used to this at this point. 

Fifty percent of the NFL season is left, and the only thing Dolphins fans have to look forward to on Sunday is waiting to see when Ndamukong Suh finally loses his mind and chases the quarterback with a bench.

For all intents and purposes, the Dolphins season died a derpy-derp death Sunday. The 33-17 loss to the Buffalo Bills dropped the Fins to 3-5 overall and 0-4 in the AFC East. Dolphins fans now just wait for mock drafts and A Christmas Story marathons. 

If you missed the game and are wondering just how the Dolphins got their asses handed to them again by a totally mediocre Buffalo Bills team, the answer is that their defense is a bucket of pig guts. People across the world find uses for nearly every piece of a pig, but there are just some parts that nobody will eat — that's the Miami Dolphins defense. They are a bucket of bile ducts and toenails. If the Dolphins could have somehow pulled out the win Sunday, they would have found themselves an even 4-4 on the season and firmly in the wild-card playoff-run conversation — but they didn't. They didn't do that thing at all. 

The Dolphins — for the second time this season — made Buffalo QB Tyrod Taylor look like Steve Young. Taylor threw just one incomplete pass all today (11-12, 181 yards) and consistently ran circles around Dolphins defensive linemen on his way to back-breaking first-down scrambles. Sammy Watkins had a career-best 168 yards receiving and a touchdown against Brent Grimes. If someone from the future could have just read this sentence to us all before the game, they could have saved us all a lot of pain and suffering. Buffalo had not one but two hundred-yard rushers (McCoy, 112 yards; Williams, 110 yards).

Everything worked for Buffalo. The Dolphins stopped nothing, and now their season is most definitely over. No logical Dolphins fan can possibly believe the team can win seven of their last eight games — which is what it would take to get to 10-6, the realistic playoff tipping point in the AFC. 

The Dolphins find themselves entering the part of their schedule that everyone prior to the season said would be the death of them. Left on the schedule for the Fins are games against the Eagles, Cowboys, Jets, Ravens, Chargers, Colts, and Patriots — not exactly a stretch of games that screams "We aren't out of this thing!" Another Miami Dolphins season lost far too soon... it's a sad tradition at this point. 

If you're wondering how long you will have to wait before the Dolphins make the playoffs again, I'm sorry to inform you, but the answer is clear:

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Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.
Contact: Ryan Yousefi