Holy shit. The Dolphins won.
Oh yes. They so did.
The Miami Dolphins were able to go into Sunday's game against the Raiders and not do that thing where they play like a sack of ass, and were able to dismantle Oakland 35 -13, giving the Fins their first home opener victory since 2005.
The win also made both Joe Philbin and Stephen Ross dance. And it was all due mostly to the ball obliterating performance from Reggie Bush, aka LAMONTELLE PUSSYHAMMER.
Bush jumped onto the Raiders' breakfast table, unzipped his pants, and dipped his cock in their Count Choclua, running the football 26 times for 172 yards and 2 touchdowns, including one for 23 yards and the other for 65 yards.
Meanwhile Ryan Tannehill threw the first touchdown pass of his career and ran for another in a game where he avoided mistakes and, maybe more importantly, didn't get any of his passes batted down.
Tannehill was decisive, at ease in the pocket, and made sharp crisp passes when given time. He was also able to display his Fast Whiteboyness, using his legs to get away from pass rushers, and scoring his very first pro touchdown by running it in.
All in all, a fantastic home debut for the rookie.
(Just, let's everybody calm our shit with the Marino comparisons after one goddamn game, though)
Tannehill was able to bounce back from his three-interception debut last week, going 18-for-30 and throwing for 200 yards. His favorite target on the day, Brian Hartline, caught nine passes for 111 yards.
The defense held the Raiders' Darren McFadden to just 22 yards.
But this day belonged to Pussyhammer.
Bush slapped Oakland right in the sack with 197 all-purpose yards, breaking tackles, hitting holes, and using his blazing speed to get past a winded Oakland defense.
It was a much needed victory for a fanbase starving for something, anything, that would resemble hope for a team that has given them nothing but boxes of dicks year after year on opening day.
Of course, the Raiders are one of the shittiest teams in all the NFL, but we won't let that fact rain on our parade. Today is about feeling good about being in a four-way tie with the Patriots, Jets, and Bills for the division.
And with the Jets and their troglodytic derp fans hitting up Sun Life Stadium next Sunday, a win couldn't have come at a better time.
Instead of going into a game against our most hated rival 0-2 with cupcake dicks, the Dolphins walk in with swinging monster dongs.
So we won't talk about how beating the Raiders really means nothing.
And we won't talk about Stephen Ross being so giddy about a win, that he danced with Joe Philbin in the locker room and said, "I think we really got something here," and probably got a raging old-man boner because one fucking win.
We won't talk about how a lot of Dolphins fans have ridiculously morphed into New York Knicks fans after one win against a sub par team, bringing up the playoffs and swearing things have finally turned around.
Fuck that. We won. It feels good. Champagne breakfast for everyone.
For now, it's all about Victory Monday, and Reggie's triumph over a team whose fanbase likes to wear makeup and dress like a bunch of assholes.
The Super Bowl-bound Dolphins host the Jets next Sunday at Sun Life Stadium. Kickoff is at 1 p.m.
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