Drug Testing for Welfare Recipients? Here's a Test-Beating Guide for the Poor

Let's say, for argument's sake, that you smoke a little weed now and then. Now let's imagine your HR department orders you to take a random drug test. If you're a person of any financial means, chances are you'll procure a fairly failsafe way to beat the test, like a fake penis full of fake urine.

(Seriously, they make fake penises full of fake urine.)

But now imagine a day in the near future, if Gov. Rick Scott gets his way, that welfare recipients will be forced to submit to drug testing. Plopping down a couple hundred bucks on plastic genitalia doesn't fit the budget of many on welfare. So here then are five ways to help beat a drug test for those on a tight budget.

If You're Going to Smoke, Diet
The idea of eating less while smoking weed might seem counter-intuitive, but the active drug in pot is stored in fat tissue. That means the THC hiding in your beer belly gives you a better chance of failing the test. So next time you get the munchies, remember that Uncle Sam might cut off your rent money if you grab another bag of Doritos.

When Possible, Delay
Smoke a doobie the morning before a test and you can bet you're going to fail it. But if you're a recreational user like -- we haven't done the math exactly here -- the rest of America, most of the marijuana will leave your system in 10 to 13 days. So if Uncle Sam asks you to pee in a cup for your welfare check someday soon, find a way to put it off. Oh, and until your rescheduled test date, don't smoke another joint.

Drink, Pee, Repeat
The day before and of your drug test, drink as much water as is possible. Drinking too much can lead to water intoxication -- no kidding. So if it hurts to pee in new ways, slow down.

Color Your Urine
All that flushing is going to leave your pee pretty translucent. So the day of your test, take vitamin B-12 tablets until you get that healthy Mountain Dew color back.

Find a Clean Friend, With MacGyver Skills
Replacing your urine with a clean sample from a friend is an age-old drug testing trick. Be sure the urine is warm -- most drug tests detect the temperature. And it's worth saying that you should be sure your friend isn't, say, pregnant or, worse, actually doing drugs too. Once you have your friend's clean urine, now it's time for the art project. Think Ziploc bags, straws, duct tape, and MC Hammer pants.

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Eric Barton
Contact: Eric Barton