| Sports |

Eight Reasons Miami Dolphins Football Being Back Is Awesome

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of South Florida and help keep the future of New Times free.

The Miami Dolphins officially kick off their 2015 campaign tonight in their first preseason matchup in Chicago when they face the Bears. Is it just us or does it feel like football season ended three years ago? It's not just us? Oh good. Because it seems that way. But, alas, football is back. And while the Dolphins have been a perpetual sack of dog crap for the better part of two decades, we're still all stupid enough to come at this point every year and think: THIS is it. This is the year the Dolphins will finally stop sucking.

And then we get the inevitable 7-9 season.

But that's still a long ways away. And, hell, the Dolphins do look primed for a strong playoff push this season. At least on paper. So we've got that going for us.

Here are eight other reasons it's awesome that Miami Dolphins football is back:

8. Because of Ryan Tannehill's Deep Balls
The number-one topic on the Dolphins these days, be it from sports talk radio, news columns, the internet, TV, Twitter, or water cooler talk, has been Ryan Tannehill's balls. And how deep they can go. Last year, this was a real problem. It seems on every play, Tannehill would either overthrow his receiver downfield or leave the ball six yards short of the receiver. That receiver was usually Mike Wallace. But he's gone to bitch about how he doesn't get the ball enough in Minnesota now. Tannehill, meanwhile, has a pretty kick-ass arsenal of pass-catchers to throw to, including Jarvis Landry, whom you see above. Make no mistake: This is Tannehill's year to show us all how wrong we've been about his inconsistent play and how good he really is at getting the balls down deep. Look for the Dolphins to try to showcase that tonight against the Bears. Also, this is the year Tannehill finally earns himself a nickname. Like Doctor Balls, or something. 

7. Because the Smarty Pants at Harvard Said the Dolphins Are Going to the Super Bowl
It's true! The big brains at Harvard threw together a study with the numbers and the analytics and the football and the robots and came up with a bold prediction: The Miami Dolphins will be representing the AFC in the Super Bowl this year. That's bananas. Because either the Harvard brains are really, really smart or they're just trolling the shit out of us by building up our hopes up and then wrecking them. With science. Ahoy-yo!

Seriously. We got Ndamukong Suh. And yes, he was expensive. And yes, a big free-agent signing usually only amounts to a hill of used condoms when it comes to the Dolphins. BUT, Suh is a dominant force. Something we haven't really had around these parts in any position. It's basically going to be impossible to run against the Dolphins this year, and Suh is primed to help the pass rush and hit Tom Brady so many times that his face will actually morph into a real-life version of his courtroom sketch. Prepare your anus, NFL.

5. Because There's a Kicker Competition! F#@* YEAH!
This is the most Dolphiny thing ever. There's an actual competition for the one position that seems to see the most action for the Fins (so, maybe it's important, after all). Yeesh. It's Caleb Sturgis versus the Other Guy. It's a clash of the who is not as shitty between two dudes who can barely kick the ball 12 feet, let alone 40 yards. This is going to a problem all year long. It's probably what's going to end up derailing Harvard's prediction.

4. Because Joe Philbin Will Either Flub His Way Out of a Job or Become an Instant Miami Sports Icon
That is seriously what's most at stake here, folks. Joe Philbin's legacy. His team looks pretty damned good on paper, and his quarterback is poised for a breakout season. So only the man who looks like every Scooby Doo villain ever can fuck this up. And you just know the Fins' season is going to come down to an innocuous decision like whether a timeout should be called or some such thing. Watching Joe Philbin coach is like watching your dad trying to figure out a selfie stick. 

3. Because Deflategate Has Gotten Infinitely More Insufferable Than Tom Brady Ever Was
The most insufferable team in pro football has been embroiled in the most insufferable controversy thanks to the most insufferable pro sports commissioner of all time. It's like an Inception dream but with reggaeton playing on a loop. Enough already. Let's get to the games. 

2. Because We're Not the Jets

*deep breath*


1. Because It's That Time of Year to Once Again Get Our Hopes Up
It's only August. So let's enjoy this feeling for all it's worth before it all inevitably comes crashing down in a fiery explosion of sadness.

Keep New Times Broward-Palm Beach Free... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering South Florida with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in South Florida.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in South Florida.