Sports

Eight Types of Miami Dolphins Fans

Page 2 of 2

8. The Eternal Optimist Dolphins Fan This is the guy who, although realistic to the fact that the Dolphins have made no appreciable or significant improvement to the roster, still comes into the season thinking THIS is the year.

Our head coach is a lanky doofus? Sure, but he once worked with Aaron Rodgers. SO THAT'S SOMETHING.

Our number-one wide receiver can't catch? Yes, but he's superfast!

Our schedule is tough. Yeah, but the New England Patriots are older, even though they're showing no signs of slowing down and still have one of the best quarterbacks in the game. I mean, Tom Brady is 37 this year. THAT'S A WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY!

7. The Zombie Dolphins Fan The Zombie Dolphins fan will take none of your criticizing or realistic-outlook shit. Zombie Dolphins fan BLEEDS AQUA AND ORANGE, BRO. Every player on this team is the best player in the NFL. Ryan Tannehill is the next Dan Marino, even though Zombie Fan said that about Matt Moore, Cleo Lemon, Chad Henne, John Beck, Daunte Culpepper, and Joey Harrington. Zombie Fan thinks finishing 7-9 every season is amazing and to criticize the team is WEAKNESS. Jeff Ireland is the greatest GM in the world, until he was fired and now the new guy is. What? You don't know the new guy's name? AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A FAN, YOU SON OF A BITCH?

Zombie Fan REFUSES to criticize any player currently in a Dolphins uniform. And ANYONE who says a single disparaging word about this team is NOTHING but a sack of human shit. Because Zombie Fan knows the Dolphins are Super Bowl-bound every year. And fuck you if you don't agree!

6. The Jaded Dolphins Fan Probably the most realistic of Dolphins fans, the Jaded Fan has abandoned all hope of ever seeing the Dolphins get anywhere near a Super Bowl ever again.

Jaded Fan drinks a lot.

7-9 echoes in Jaded Fan's mind like a brain virus, wrapping itself around the cerebral cortex and embedding its claws into the spine. From this point on, no matter what, Jaded Fan KNOWS the Dolphins will find a way to fuck things up. Start the season 4-0? HERE COMES THE SEVEN-GAME LOSING STREAK! We drafted a quarterback? He's going to suck. We have the eighth pick in the draft? HERE COMES ANOTHER LINEMAN!

Jaded Fan is the ultimate nemesis of Zombie Fan, and you'll regularly find them fighting on social media.

Jaded Fan refuses to join in on your excitement of the new season. And he won't believe Tannehill is a great QB until he is. And even then, the doubts will be ever present.

Jaded Fan hates Stephen Ross and wishes he would be beaten with a pillow case filled with soap in his sleep.

5. The... These Guys

4. The Local Dolphins Fan Local Fan is loyal, roots for his team, and always will. But he's also been distracted by the Miami Heat the past four years. Local Fan loves the feeling of being a champion that has come from rooting for the other local teams the past 20 years. The Heat has won three titles and been in several Finals, while the Marlins have won two World Series during Local Fan's lifetime.

All this winning has made the Dolphins almost obsolete in Local Fan's heart, though he still watches them on Sundays and roots for them to get better.

Out-of-Town Dolphins Fan hates Local Dolphins Fan.

KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Chris Joseph
Contact: Chris Joseph