Tired of the government spying on your Facebook messages and tweets? Wondering if you'll ever dispatch another update without concern of government intervention?
In that case, take out your phone, remove the batteries, and put it in the freezer.
(The government could be listening right now.)
Everett Wilkinson, our perhaps apocryphal South Florida Tea Party Chairman, has unveiled a new social network site that's entirely encrypted so that true, down-home American patriots can discuss matters of liberty without concern that Obummer is listening.
It's called the Culper Network. And the Tea Party Czar, as Wilkinson calls himself, explains it thusly:
I am sure you have heard about the NSA snooping and abuse by the IRS of Tea Party groups. Recently, Congress has decided to fund these spy programs that give more and more power to Big Brother.
Patriots have been arrested for posting on Facebook and even having too many followers on Twitter. The government is watching and logging all of your communications.
It's not clear what, if any, patriots have been arrested for having too many followers on Twitter. (A cursory Google search of "Patriot Twitter Arrested" didn't yield any news articles, which probably means the news media is in cahoots with the government to enact the coming socialist order.)
But listen, none of that matters. What matters is freedom.
And you can only be free in its true manifest, American form on Culper Network. "Unlike Facebook or other social networks, communication is encrypted," Wilkinson explains. "This makes it tough for anyone, including the NSA, to listen in on your private communications. There's also not a huge database that collects and stores your information."
To clarify how the whole thing works, Wilkinson lays it out like this. Facebook connects to a central body that then, he alleges, ships its information to the government. But with Culper Network, there's no central body. It's just person-to-person -- plus! -- it's encrypted.
Even better? You can be totally anonymous on Culper Network, so there won't be any accountability for someone posting totally insane mumbo jumbo or threatening commentary.
Keep New Times Broward-Palm Beach Free... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering South Florida with no paywalls.