We
used to joke about serving a "knuckle sandwich" and washing it down
with a cool "can of whoop-ass" (pictured above). But no more. Not since this rash of
cuisine-related crime struck Florida. This past week, we've been too
scared to enter a Dunkin' Donuts, and only now that our brave sheriff
has arrested the bandits and extracted a confession is it safe to feast again on those delicious, empty carbs.
Of
course, this crime trend started in Port St. Lucie, where in November a
man assaulted his girlfriend with a sandwich while she was driving.
While researching this incident, I discovered another Floridian -- from Leland, in fact -- who beat his mother with a Polish sausage.
Florida
food felons worked right through the holiday season. On Thanksgiving, a
man in Martin County slammed a pie into his wife's face. Not one of
those whipped-cream, Carol Burnett Show pies either but a sweet potato pie still hot from the oven.
And just yesterday, we learned of a Vero Beach man
who assaulted his girlfriend with a McDonald's cheeseburger.
Fortunately, the dude was ordering off the Dollar Menu. Had this been a
Big Mac attack, the woman's injuries would have been far more severe.
By
the way, guys, attacking a woman with food is still aggravated assault.
You have not found a loophole in domestic-violence law. Sorry.
In
any case, the food violence in Florida still isn't nearly as fierce as
in Europe. Here's a recent video of what's happening in Spain:
-- Thomas Francis
