Everybody's Kung Food Fighting | The Daily Pulp | South Florida | Broward Palm Beach New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida


Everybody's Kung Food Fighting

We used to joke about serving a "knuckle sandwich" and washing it down with a cool "can of whoop-ass" (pictured above). But no more. Not since this rash of cuisine-related crime struck Florida. This past week, we've been too scared to enter a Dunkin' Donuts, and only now that our brave sheriff has arrested the bandits and extracted a confession is it safe to feast again on those delicious, empty carbs.

Of course, this crime trend started in Port St. Lucie, where in November a man assaulted his girlfriend with a sandwich while she was driving. While researching this incident, I discovered another Floridian -- from Leland, in fact -- who beat his mother with a Polish sausage.

Florida food felons worked right through the holiday season. On Thanksgiving, a man in Martin County slammed a pie into his wife's face. Not one of those whipped-cream, Carol Burnett Show pies either but a sweet potato pie still hot from the oven.

And just yesterday, we learned of a Vero Beach man who assaulted his girlfriend with a McDonald's cheeseburger. Fortunately, the dude was ordering off the Dollar Menu. Had this been a Big Mac attack, the woman's injuries would have been far more severe.

By the way, guys, attacking a woman with food is still aggravated assault. You have not found a loophole in domestic-violence law. Sorry.

In any case, the food violence in Florida still isn't nearly as fierce as in Europe. Here's a recent video of what's happening in Spain:

-- Thomas Francis

KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Thomas Francis

Latest Stories