Exclusive Interview With Donald Trump (Well, With His Twitter Feed, Anyway)

Good morning, America. Donald Trump is your current clubhouse leader for the GOP 2016 ticket. And it might be for good reason. Trump has dominated the media landscape for the past several weeks, starting with his controversial comments about Mexican immigrants and his disparaging Sen. John McCain as a war hero because he was captured while fighting in Vietnam. 

Needless to say, Trump is a hot get for news outlets across the country. Last night, he appeared with Anderson Cooper on CNN

And today, he joins New Times for an exclusive interview. Well, not Trump per se. More like his Twitter feed, which is basically Trump, when you think about it. The Donald's Twitter feed has been his number-one vessel to getting his message out to the masses.

And now, that Twitter feed joins us to talk about those controversial Mexican immigrant comments, McCain, and what exactly he'd do should he, Donald Trump, be elected president of the United States of America: 

New Times: First of all, thank you for joining us, Mr. Trump.
Sure. Well. it's been a helluva couple of weeks, and everyone is clamoring to get an interview with you. So many questions to ask you about your recent comments.
Oh... um.. well. That's not exactly what everyone wants to talk to you about. They want to talk about your controversial comments on Mexican immigrants and the border. And also your controversial comments on John McCain. 
Hmm... interesting. What else do you see as a national travesty that needs immediate attention, like the veterans?
Uh. OK. That one's a little weird and creepy, actually. 
So... let's tackle some of your campaign promises. What would you say is your top promise?
Right. OK, so... where would you start, Mr. Trump? What would be your first step to taking back our country as president?
Oh. That sounds lovely. What else?
Um... that doesn't sound like much of a solution. Besides, global warming is actually a bad thing, not something "we need."
Global warming isn't something you can order, like a pizza. Also, it's the middle of summer.
No problem. Here to help. OK... Next question: What did you think of the recent Pluto flyby?
Oh... so you're among the conspiracy theorists who think it was all a hoax?
Oh. Well. Great... Moving on... Let's get back on track here. 
Yes. That. What is the —
Yes. OK. Got it. Now... as president, what would be the one thought that would keep you up at night?
OK. What else?
That's quite a stance. Anything else? What if you had to pick one American and give them a special message? What would that message be?
Very good. What do you think is the key to a successful presidency?
No. The key to the success to the presidency. 
Oh. I see. Your Twitter feed is. Got it, got it. And what do you think is going to be the biggest challenge facing the next president?
Right. But... do you have any specific ideas on how you would do that?
Oh. With puns. Well done, sir. 
If you were to win the GOP ticket, what would your message be to your detractors?
Really? That would be... an odd choice. Anything else?
All right then. Well. One last question: Describe, if you would, your very first day in office as president of the United States of America. 
OK... I think we're done here. 
That'll do. Thank you!
Please stop.
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Chris Joseph
Contact: Chris Joseph